Conflicted

Chapter Thirteen

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Suicide

* Jonah's POV*

Darkness surrounds me. I try to move but I can't, my hands are tied behind my back. I try to wiggle free, but it only causes pain. What's happening? How did I get here? The door to the room I'm in swings open, causing me to jump. The lights in the room are suddenly flipped on. I squint, trying to adjust to the sudden light. I know it could only be one person, but I still hoped it was someone else. Maybe it's my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me from whatever mothers planned this time. "I can't do this anymore, Xavier! I'm done!" Mother shouts. Guess it's not a knight in shining amour after all. I felt confused by her screaming, though. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I knew better than to question her. "I'm ending this! No more suffering for either of us! Your such an ungrateful child." No more suffering? What does she mean by that? Ungrateful Child? Why? All I ever try to do is the things that she asks of me, What am I doing wrong? Ending what? Is she getting rid of me? Then it clicked. Was she planning on killing me? I felt a pit in my stomach that couldn't be it could it? A mother wouldn't kill their child, would they? A beeping sound rang in my ears. What's happening? Why do I smell smoke? "I'm Sorry! Please, Mommy, I won't make you suffer anymore. I'll do whatever you say!" Mother smiled a maniacal smile before pulling a gun out of her pocket, pointing it towards me. I froze, looking at her with wide eyes. This is really how it's going to end. I'm never going to have the chance to make a better life for myself. The sound of a loud bang rang in my ears before I felt the pain in my chest. She then turned the gun on herself, shooting herself in the head. I felt the blood splatter on my face and watched her body drop to the ground lifelessly blood slowly pooling in front of me. The pain in my chest got worse as I realized the extent of what was happening. The beeping sound continued as the smell of smoke grew more substantial in the room. I try once more to wiggle free, but its no use. I'm too weak. Everything around me quickly became dark as the blood left my body. "Two victims in the basement! Come quick!" I heard a voice call out. "P-Please I-I don't want t-to die." was all I managed to say before everything went black.

"Jonah, it's just a dream, you're okay!" I hear before waking in a panic. "I don't want to die!" I repeat, sitting up, opening my eyes. It takes me a moment for me to completely wake up before I notice Aunt Cindy sitting beside me with a soft expression. "You're safe. There's no fire." She says softly. She pulls me into a gentle hug. I feel myself shaking in her arms. I want to cry, but nothing comes out. I sit quietly for a while, trying to process the nightmare I just had before finally breaking the silence.

"I-I'm sorry I-I woke you up." It's been a while since I've had that particular dream. I thought that maybe I was finally over it, but I guess I'm not. "You didn't wake me up. I was making breakfast. I burnt the toast. I think the smell might have triggered the dream." She admits with a sigh. "I should be the one apologizing." I sighed softly and pulled away from the hug to look at the time it was 7:00am. I don't even remember falling asleep last night, but I guess I must have. "How'd you know that's what I was dreaming about," I asked, feeling a little curious. "You talk in your sleep usually I can't make out what you're saying, but this time it was apparent. Also, the dream started shortly after I burnt the toast, so I put two and two together." She said, looking guilty. "Don't blame yourself, Auntie, anything could have caused that nightmare. It could just be a coincidence," I say, trying to make her feel better. Aunt Cindy sighed and nodded. "I guess you're right. I'd still hate to be the reason for those memories to come back." "Well, I can't avoid burnt toast forever," I say with a chuckle trying to lighten the mood. I guess it worked because Aunt Cindy laughed too. "I'm going to get ready for school. I'll come down and eat soon." She nods and heads back downstairs, leaving me to decide what to wear.

I sigh softly and dig through my closet, finally deciding on a plain white t-shirt, green hoodie and a pair of jeans. Another simple outfit choice. I don't care much about what I wear, but I do like the way the colour green looks with my pale skin tone and hair. I sigh and bring my clothing choice to the bathroom. I'm getting a ride from Chase, and I don't want to make his car smell bad, so I decide its best to shower before heading out. I sigh and take off the clothes I wore the day before. I guess I fell asleep without changing last night. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and frown slowly, tracing the scar on the upper left side of my chest. The sound of the loud shot rings in my ears. I quickly move my hand away from the scar and look away from the mirror.

"I'm not thinking about this, I refuse! Just leave me alone," I shout at myself before taking a deep, shaky breath. "Jonah? Are you okay?" I hear aunt Cindy call on the other side of the bathroom door. "Y-Yeah, sorry...just overthinking." I admit, "I'm going to take a shower." I say with a soft sigh. "Okay, be quick, though or you're going to be late." I don't usually take long to shower, so I should be fine. I get in and quickly wash my hair before jumping out. I dry myself and get dressed. I don't bother to do anything with my hair. It'll probably dry messy, but I don't care. I run to my room and grab my phone before heading down to aunt Cindy.

"You're going to catch a cold with your hair wet like that." Aunt Cindy states, looking up towards me. I shrug before grabbing a small piece of bacon, popping it in my mouth. "That's just a myth," I say with a smirk earning a playful glare from Aunt Cindy. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I pull it out and see a message from Chase.

Chase: I'm headed out I'll be there in 10 :)

I sigh softly and grab another small piece of bacon and eat it while I reply to his message.

Me: Okay, thank you for letting me know.

"Who are you texting?" Aunt Cindy asked, raising an eyebrow. "Chase is coming to pick me up with his sister," I say, looking down, feeling a little nervous. I know Aunt Cindy said it was okay for me to make a choice to try and start over, but I'm worried she might change her mind. I wouldn't blame her, though. I know she only wants the best for me. "oh, that's nice of him." Aunt Cindy says with a soft smile. I look back up towards her feeling a little confused. "Are you sure? Aren't you worried?"

I ask, sounding more defensive than I intended. "Of course I'm going to worry, Jonah. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop you from making your own choices and trusting your own judgement. I want you to be confident in your choices. If you think this is a good idea, then I support you. You know Chase better than I do." Aunt Cindy said softly, gently patting me on the shoulder. I sigh and smile softly. "Why couldn't you be my mom?" I asked softly. "Aren't I?" She said with a playful wink. I nodded and smiled. "I just mean, I wish you had always been my mom. Maybe my life would have started off better, and I wouldn't be so messed up." Aunt Cindy sighed softly and pulled me into a gentle hug.

"You're not messed up. You're healing. You wouldn't have been given this life if you weren't strong enough to live it. I know it's hard to be optimistic sometimes when your past is constantly coming back to haunt you, but I've seen you make so much amazing progress over the past six years. I know that progress will only continue to shine through." Aunt Cindy says softly. I sigh and nods my head against her shoulder. "I know, but I still wish things had been different." "I wish they had been different too, but we can't change the past. We can only look forward to the future, and I know yours is going to be a bright one." Aunt Cindy says, making me smile softly. She always knew what to say to make me feel better. I know I shouldn't look back at the past and think about how it could have been different, but sometimes it's hard not too especially when I always have flashbacks that bring me right back to the past without warning.

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and pull away from Aunt Cindy's embrace to check the message. I already know who it is, but I can't help but check anyway.

Chase: We're here! :)

Me: I'll be out in a second

I sigh softly and look out the window seeing a small black car confirming that he was, in fact, here. "I guess I should go, I don't want to keep Chase and his sister waiting," I say softly heading towards the door. "Have a good day at school." Aunt Cindy chirps, waving as I leave.