Only You (Matty Healy/George Daniel)

31: I Swear

Matty breaks not even a week later, which he'd sort of known was inevitable all along.

He's not a strong person, especially not without George there to hold him together, so when his cravings get so bad that he's physically shaking with the need for a line, he gives up entirely, calling up a girl he's bought from before and agreeing to meet her later that night.

Matty barely even feels the suffocating wave of guilt underneath the relief that's currently flooding through his system, and really - he doesn't care anymore.

He's just as fucked with cocaine as without. He's managed to damage his relationship with George even more than it already was, and since that was his reason for staying clean in the first place, he's honestly lost all of the motivation he had at the beginning of this.

George has been blatantly ignoring him since their last show, only speaking to Matty if he initiates conversation, and even then it's forced and uncomfortable.

Matty is half-convinced he'd heard George crying last night over the hum of the bus, although when he'd walked by his bunk to check, he'd been met with silence, and George hadn't acknowledged him after he'd stood outside of the drawn curtain for almost five minutes.

George has been mopey and borderline depressed ever since his bad show. He's started drinking more often as well, which Matty can't look down on since he does the same, but George usually only goes for the bottle when they're at a party or out with the other boys. Now he's taken to doing it at all hours of the day, leaving his empty containers around for Matty to find later when he stumbles over them.

Matty's tried to snap him out of it, to spend more time with George, to smile even when he feels like crying, but George doesn't react well to Matty's numerous attempts at cheering him up.

He lets Matty sprawl across him just like always, and he takes him up on his offer for a spiff each time Matty extends it, but he's not himself, they're not the same unit they used to be, and Matty's beginning to fear that they never will be.

So Matty's giving up, he's done trying to save himself, or whatever his intentions had been going into this.

He can't keep living this way. He needs to feel something that isn't misery and despair, so he's going to turn to the one thing that he knows will give that to him without judgment or the need to do anything besides inhale.

He doesn't bother with giving anyone an explanation as to where he's headed before he's out the door, waving quickly to George who is curled up by the window he'd popped open early, blowing smoke across the city skyline in a manner that Matty thinks is almost picturesque.

For a brief moment, he's tempted to climb into George's lap instead, to force himself to talk everything out with him until his head makes sense and they are okay again, but he doesn't, mostly because he's a coward.

George nods in his direction when he catches Matty's eye, his expression remaining dull and uninterested in his surroundings, which has Matty biting his lip roughly as he exits the room.

Matty hates the way his own melancholy has been reflected onto his best friend. He blames himself for that as well, magnifying his burdens which are constantly dragging him down no matter what he does.

Matty knows that what he's about to partake in will add to the stack of mistakes on his shoulders, but maybe this pinnacle piece will be the one that topples the entire structure down, which could either free him from his troubles entirely or leave him suffocating underneath them, and Matty's willing to take that risk.

Matty no longer cares what becomes of him, but the same doesn't apply for whatever is eating away at George.

Matty's been a terrible friend lately, he's aware of that, but he still wants to help George however he can, and now that he's not concentrating on himself any longer, the entirety of his thoughts is occupied with nothing but George.