Obliviate My Rebellion {Book 3}

40. Real to me

Slowly my eyes opened to see a ceiling covered in Quidditch posters staring down on me. For a moment I wondered if I was in Alia's room (which every inch of was covered in posters) until I felt an arm draped around my shoulders.

I looked up to see Draco, already awake with a faint smile on his face. Everything came flooding back from the night before, all of it... Sirius and Jia were dead, I was in charge of the fate of the wizarding world, and I had a breakdown in front of Draco...

"Morning--well afternoon really." Draco said quietly. "I was going to wake you soon. We need to go back to school."

"Right." I said quietly, sitting up for a woolen blanket to fall onto my lap. It was grey and frayed in many places, but it was thick and had a musky scent that I associated with Sirius. "Where did you find this?"

"It was on a chair." Draco said, removing his arm from around me, which left me feeling isolated somehow. "I also found some biscuits in the cupboard we can eat before we go--I think your sister left them."

So we sat there in silence, eating biscuits even though they tasted like glass sliding down my throat. But I knew if I didn't eat, Draco would worry I was going back into my summer depression, and I didn't want to admit to him--or myself--that my mind seemed to be slowly and inevitabley heading there.

"I'm glad you finally saved your memories." Draco said, gently lifting my hand up. "I thought you were going to risk losing everything."

I remember in my haze of instability, I didn't want to save these memories in my mind, I didn't want to remember the pain of what had happened. But Draco had persisted and persisted until I started to cry, and he started to cry--so eventually I had to.

"I still want to." I said blankly, moving my hand from his grip. "I don't want to feel this emotional pain anymore. If there is another time I lose somebody--I won't hesitate to try and erase memories from my head."

It sounded terrifying, but I was willing to. The guilt and grief weighed on me so heavily, I knew without a doubt I'd not save my memories in order to try and erase the guilt. Draco frowned, and looked almost worried.

"Well just remember that I love you, that fact has to stay in your head." Draco said, lightly brushing his finger over my forehead, before lightly squeezing my hand.

"I'll remember for as long as you give me a reason to love you." I declared. "And that's not going to happen for a long time, right?"

"Sure." Draco said almost uneasily. "Right, so shall we go?"

Once I'd gathered the blanket around me, I allowed Draco to hold onto my hand and lead me from the bedroom. I shut the door behind me, a feeling of cold finality going through me. I pressed my palm onto the door, and ran my hand down the wood.

"Goodbye, Sirius." I whispered.

And then everything was flames.

* * * 

Draco and I walked in silence towards the hospital wing where all my friends were, our hands linked. There seemed an odd distance in the air, but I accounted it for Draco giving me space during my grief.

"I'll see you soon." Draco said as we reached the doors. He gave my hand a squeeze, running his finger over the palm of my hand. "Remember what's real, okay?"

"I will." I said distanty. "Bye."

Slowly, I opened the hospital wing door, only to be pounced on by Alia. I staggered back with the weight of her, and allowed her to warm my heart and take away a slither of the pain that resided there.