Always You |harry styles| - completed

FIFTY-TWO

A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera: Say Something

The miserable parent look was really growing on me: one of Harry's old tees stained with formula, a bird's nest on top of my head and serious desperation written all over my face. Kaya was going through the four month growth spurt which basically meant she was fussier than usual and extremely clingy. She demanded to be held for most of the day, which wouldn't be that big of a deal if Harry were home. Unfortunately today was 'a studio day' for him, yet again. He left right after her morning feed and didn't get home until well after I finally managed to put her to sleep. I was exhausted and the only thing that sounded good was a glass of cabernet and the Bachelor... who the hell did I turn into? I heard the door open and took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for the conversation Harry and I were bound to have. We've been having the same argument for a month – he'd come home and ask how our day was and I'd try really hard not to get upset with him for staying out so late.

"Hey. How was your day?", right on cue, he walked into the living room, sat beside me and pulled out his phone.

"Fine.", I wanted to avoid looking at him, because I knew there were only so many times I could swallow my disappointment and stay quiet about what was bothering me.

"What's that supposed to mean? What did she do today?", he pushed.

"It means that it was fine, Harry. She ate and then she cried. She took a catnap and then she cried some more. I fed her and she cried while eating. She just cried."

"No need to get snappy, I just asked.", there was a storm brewing inside me and I took a couple deep breaths before I unleashed a tornado on him.

"I am not snappy; I am just tired. You'd know that if you were home and present for more than fifteen minutes each day.", there was no going back from this... tonight would be the night I finally spoke my mind.

"Well I'm really sorry for having to work, but I don't recall you ever mentioning you had a problem with it."

"I don't have a problem with you working, I have a problem with us being ships passing in the night. I don't want to do this alone, Harry.", he became aware that I was seriously upset, and his response wasn't to back down like the guilty party would normally do.

"I don't see where the problem is.", the one drop that spilled the glass, I couldn't tell if he seriously didn't understand or if it was something he said out of spite.

"Really? You don't see anything wrong with leaving me at home, alone, with a four month old baby that won't stop crying? There's nothing strange about walking out the door at seven in the morning and returning after ten at night? I have to be completely compliant with this lifestyle you chose for yourself without even checking with me first?"

"I didn't choose this lifestyle and you know it! It's my job to record music and sometimes that lasts for a week, sometimes it drags on for months. I don't have any control over it, I thought you were supportive of my career and 'always had my back when it came to music'.", he made quotation marks in the air and I completely lost it.

"Excuse me? How dare you? I can't be supportive if you don't include me in the decision process. I don't really remember ever being asked if I minded staying home alone and not seeing anyone for weeks! I have not been out for a walk that didn't include a buggy and a fussy baby in fourteen days, Harry. That's two fucking weeks.", we were no longer sitting in the living room and were instead standing one at each side of the kitchen island, whisper-yelling at each other in hopes of not waking Kaya up.

"What do you expect me to do? Come on now, say it.", the tone of his voice hurt me in equal part as it pained me. He wasn't a confrontational person unless he knew he messed up.

"I want you to act like a dad! It's not 1950 anymore and I am not expected to be a stay at home mom. I love Kaya and that will never change, but I'd like to be able to take a shower in peace or maybe have a cup of coffee with your sister without having to rock the baby simultaneously. You've completely missed two out of the four months of her life and you'll never get them back! The first proper laugh or the time she farted and giggled right afterwards. The moment she started noticing herself in the mirror and following movements of others with her eyes. Those are gone and you missed them! Honestly, I don't really care that you're not there for me... it seems you've given up on me completely and all the love you once had has suddenly disappeared. What bothers me is that you're not there for her, she's your child too and I'm afraid she'll wake up one morning and start crying when she sees your face because she always cries when strangers get close to her.", I knew I went too far with the last thing I said but I was so tired of worrying about him and his needs instead of saying what was on my mind.

"I'll be at Niall's if Kaya needs me.", he picked up his jacket and started walking away from me, "She's four months old for fucks sake! She needs to be fed, rocked and played with... she doesn't need you specifically! And I seriously hope Niall slams the door in your face for being such an asshole!".

Sounds of horrified cries started coming out of the baby monitor, our yelling woke her up. With the last drop of strength I took a deep breath and walked to her nursery. Tomorrow was a new day.

I didn't need an alarm clock to wake me up the next morning, Kaya giggling to herself was the best sound to wake up to. When I grabbed her out of her bassinet and placed her on the bed beside me, memories of the night before flooded my brain. Harry's side of the bed empty reminded me of the hurtful things we'd both said and it hurt even more when I saw that I had no texts from him or Niall. I got up and fixed Kaya a bottle and stared at the rain outside that had nothing on my miserable mood. 'You have to begin again – have a cup of coffee and rethink your priorities', I thought. But how could I begin anything with all of yesterday in me?

12 hours had gone by before a text from Niall asking if I was okay arrived. I wanted to reply but wouldn't give Harry the satisfaction. If he wanted to know how I was then he'd have to come here and ask me himself. I knew I was being stubborn, but there was no other way to knock sense into him. 'There's a bag of clothes by our front door, in case you need a change of pants.', I texted Harry's phone and ten minutes later I heard a key turn in the keyhole but the door never opened. He came to get the bag and he probably wanted to come in but then he saw I was still up and decided he didn't want to see me. All night long memories whirled in my mind... of kissing Harry for the first time, of attending the Brits together, of finding out I was pregnant, of feeling Kaya kick for the first time, of giving birth and seeing them skin to skin. How was it possible to go from being that happy to being this miserable in mere four months? Where the hell did we go wrong? Was it my lack of interest in his work or his lack of communication that drove a wedge between us? More importantly, was it something we could work on or were we too far gone?

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A/N: oops, I may have done it again. I'm sorry, you hate me, I know. Have faith, though, that I won't break their (or your) hearts completely. 

Quarantine/ptsd updates: I still wake up around 6:30 am every day, after I see that I'm fine and there are no earthquakes happening I fall back asleep. Much better than I was two days ago. I also have to say that it really warms my heart to see messages of love sent our way, and the fact that Italy sent a convoy of help even though they're the ones hit the most by the corona outbreak... just wow. Lots of love. 

TPWK, always.

T.