Golden | Jungkook AU

14

Dear Jungkook,

By the time you read this I'll be gone. I know, how pathetic is it to cry on you all night only for you to wake up to this letter. Don't panic, I'm fine. I'll be back, just not anytime soon. I have a lot of explaining to do but I just don't think I can face you right now. Don't bother trying to find me, I'm not far. I just need some space and I know I've told you this a thousand times and I know I've been doing the opposite but I mean it this time. I wish I could explain this all to you in person but I don't think I could face you...I know I can't face you. You mean everything to me and I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose the 15+ years of friendship we've built. I know you're probably confused as hell right now wondering what I'm talking about but it will all make sense.
I wish I could say it started the night of the party but it didn't. It started the day Taehyung mentioned your date. You've sheltered that part of your life from me ever since high school. I think a part of me is thankful for that because you've sheltered me from my own feelings. I couldn't understand it at first, I thought I was just afraid of losing our friendship but that night, watching you get ready and leave for your date, I felt uneasy. I was jealous, which sounds super childish and dumb as I write this now but it's true. I felt hurt but I want you to know it's not you that hurt me, this isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. This was just me trying to process everything and I hurt myself. The night of the party, after I left you and Dahye, I went to hang out with Hoseok, Yoongi and Jin. We talked about a bunch of stupid things I don't want to get into but after I left them I saw you kissing Dahye and it made me realize something. Something I probably knew since I was 14 but pushed away. My heart broke when you went on that date. My heart broke when I saw you kissing her. My heart is breaking writing this. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you. I'm in love with you. I'm so in love with you that my heart literally skips a beat at the thought of you.
I thought loving you was enough for me and tried my hardest to find peace with the fact that I won't be anything more than your best friend but I couldn't sit around stuck while your life went on. It sounds selfish and I hate it because I feel guilty. I know that if I told you sooner you would have stopped talking to her to make me feel better but I couldn't bring myself to do that because you deserve to fall in love. You deserve to feel warm and happy. So does Dahye. I have nothing against her or you in this situation. I want you to experience love, you deserve to experience love and I don't want to be the reason you don't.
I think I've loved you since the first day I met you in first grade, you sat next to me during free time everyday to listen to me pretend to read. I knew you knew I couldn't read but you still sat there with wide eyes hanging onto every word I said. You were all of my firsts. Looking back, I think it was inevitable that I fell in love with you. I just wish I realized it sooner.
You are my person, you're the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of before I go to bed. I can't imagine life without you by my side. You're my best friend, my number one fan and the most important person in my life. I love you endlessly. I just happen to be in love with you as well but you deserve more than me. I don't want you to stop everything to make me happy. You've been doing that since I was 6. It's time for you to choose yourself.
I know I can get past this, we can get past this. I want you to know nothing changes, you're my best friend. Our friendship doesn't change one bit but I just had to be honest with you and let you know why I was pushing you away because you deserve to know the truth. The more I kept it a secret the more I pushed you away. I was afraid you finding out would ruin our friendship but keeping it hidden only made it worse. You deserve better than a stupid letter and I promise you will see me soon where I can explain everything but I need you to give me some time. I need you to trust me.
No matter how many times I say it in the letter I know you're going to somehow blame yourself. This is all on me. You have done nothing but be my best friend and I owe it to you to do the same.

I love you,
Mina.

A/N:
A little Dear John tease.