Not the Villain - The Evil Queen's Retelling of Snow White

19 Years, 10 Months and 15 Days Ago

19 years, 10 months and 15 days ago:

Bare feet on windswept grass. The figure of a slender woman with raven hair. Giggling. A warm arm around me.

"I love you both..."

I jolted upright in my bed, panting. It's just a dream, I told myself, trying to calm my heart that was fluttering like the wings of an airborne bee. I tried to push the dream from my head, but it wouldn't leave. The night was closing in around me, suffocating, smothering.  I couldn't drive away the dream because it was not just a dream. It was a memory, not make-believe, not a fantasy my mind made up. It was real.

"You're the fairest of them all..."

I had to get out. I had to get away from all this. Run. Run. Throw it all behind you. But I couldn't. There was no running from reality, from the truth. I gasped, choking, the grief constricting my throat like a jagged rock.

I couldnt take this anymore. If I couldn't forget, then what wasleft for me? I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to die. And most of all, I wanted to hurt someone, anyone just as I had been hurt, because maybe it would tear me away from my own pain. I wanted anything but this agony that was slowly ripping me apart.

Finally, I got off the bed and staggered to where the mirror dangled from the wall. It took several tries to light the candle I had grabbed from my bedside table, with trembling fingers, and I was aware that I was shaking all over. Grief. Resentment. Anger. Regret. Hatred. Hurt. All churning in a storm in my mind. What would I give for it to stop?
I stood in front of the mirror, unsure of myself. I was scared. I wanted to see, but I knew that as soon as I did, there would be no going back. I would be trapped in the cruel hold of the past with no chance of escape. And I would never be able to forget.

But I could see their smiles again. I could hear their voices. They were so close, just a question away. For a short while, I could drop the void I've been carrying around since their deaths. For a short while, I could pretend that I was not alone in this world.

There was no doubt to what I would choose, the temptation was too great. I knew I would never be able to stop thinking about it. My decision made, I opened my mouth. "Mirror, mirror on the wall," I whispered, my voice quivering, "Who's the fairest of them all?"

Nothing happened for such a long while I let out a sigh, a mixture of regret and relief. Then, slowly, ripples appeared from the center of the smooth, dark surface, reflecting the candlelight like a lake glimmering under the moonlight. A figure swam into view. Her long black hair cascaded down to her waist, and she was sitting in a meadow, with the long grass brushing her bare shins.

Mother.

The word rang in my head like a raw, heartbroken cry. Tears streamed down my eyes at her smile, at her sweet, melodic voice. "Come here, my beautiful girls. Let me tell you a secret."
I heard a squeal, and ten-year-old me appeared in the mirror, rushing into her embrace. Mother put a warm arm around me, and her other arm reached out to cuddle three-year-old Emerald, who was never far behind me even with her short toddler legs.

Mother lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Don't tell anyone I said this, but you two girls are beautiful. Much more than anyone who ever walked this land, and much more than anyone who will ever live and breathe this air. You're the fairest of them all, both of you!"

My voice came out in a sob as I heard ten-year-old me giggle, and kiss my mother's cheek.

"No, you are!" Ten-year-old me laughed, hugging my mother.

"Fai-wess?" Three-year-old Emerald mimicked me. "Fai-west!" She repeated as if she agreed, and she crawled into my mother's other arm, too eager to miss out on anything.

"We're all the fairest of them all!" My mother answered, and in the mirror, we almost fell over laughing.

We laid in the grass as we tried to catch our breaths. "I love you, my darlings." My mother murmured once our laughter died down, kissing the top of mine and Emerald's head. "I love you both."

I was weeping now, the tears blurring my vision so that my mother looked angelic in the candlelight. I reached up to touch her face... and she disappeared. All that was left in the mirror was my dark reflection.

I stared at myself, my puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

Turn around. Go to bed. Leave it behind. Forget.

I couldn't. I was too weak. I wanted them. I didn't want to be alone anymore, even if it was just for a while. Even if it wasn't real.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"