Not the Villain - The Evil Queen's Retelling of Snow White

A Year Ago

A year ago:

"Casimir?" I knocked on his door. He didn't answer, but I went in anyway.

He sat on his bed with his back towards me, his shoulders tense. I went over and sat next to him, looking for an answer, a reply, anything to acknowledge my existence. "Casimir--"

"I'm tired tonight, Amethyst." He interrupted.

I was angry, frustrated, and something in me snapped. "You know what? I'm tired too. I'm tired of you pushing me away. I haven't had any sleep for two nights in a row already, and yet I was up all day, running your kingdom for you. And now I'm pleading for your attention because it's the only thing I'm asking for and you just CAN'T SPARE FOUR DAMN MINUTES OF YOUR TIME!"

"CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONCE?"

"ARE YOU KIDDING? I'VE LEFT YOU ALONE FOR 18 WHOLE YEARS!" My voice lowered. "It's our 18th anniversary. Did you even remember? Did you ever remember over the past, almost two decades?"

"Why is it so important to you, anyway?"

"It HURTS, okay? It breaks my heart to see you obsessed with Evelyn's anniversary and never--"

"DON'T SAY HER NAME! DON'T YOU DARE SAY HER NAME!"

"Why not? It's not going to change anything, is it? Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn. Wake up! She's dead! Gone! She's never coming back! Just get over it already!"

"You're just jealous."

I gasped, more from hurt than surprise. Then both turned into cold, acidic fury. "How dare you. How dare you say that. All these years, I devoted my life to serve you. I rebuilt your kingdom from rubble to be the strong country you see now. I raised Evelyn's daughter with my own two hands, you know I didn't have to do that, I even saved her bloody life because I knew it would make you happy. I forgave you for going back on your proposal when you met Evelyn. I forgave you when you cast me out, your loyal friend ever since we were young, for this peasant girl you met on the streets. I never gave up on you, Casimir.

"Do you know how much it hurts to be rejected every single day? Every night I cry myself to sleep, Casimir, thinking of how we were before Evelyn appeared. I had never, in the 18 years, never ever asked for anything but your love. Do you know why? Because I don't want to see you hurt. Because I want you to be happy. Because I want to be there for you, always. 

"Is it too much to ask for you to say the same?"

He took a deep breath. "Yes, yes it is. I think you're the one who has to 'get over it', alright? Here, let me spell it out for you. I don't love you. I never did, I never will. I don't want to. I don't love you. In fact, I absolutely despise you for trying to force me to. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU."

He turned away from me, and in that moment the way his back was turned against me, I felt like I was in my nightmare.

I was overcome with an unimaginable, uncontrollable fury. I had enough of this. I was tired of begging. I was tired of giving and giving and giving and getting nothing back. I was tired of loving when the feeling wasn't mutual. A dagger appeared in my hands. How did it get there? 

"TURN AROUND, IDIOT! JUST TURN AROUND!" I screamed.

He spun around to face me, just like in my dream. I started walking towards him then sped up, ice-cold fury running through my veins. I ran at him, silent, and without thinking I raised the dagger, and pierced it towards his heart...

It's the dream.

This is where I wake up in my bed, panting and sweating and looking for bloodstains on my hands.

It's the dream.

Only this time, I didn't wake up.

I screamed as my dagger sank into his chest, his blood gushing out and staining my hands. I snapped out of my trance, immediately regretting it. It? I regretted everything.

But it's too late, isn't it?

He crashed onto the floor, and I fell on my knees next to him. "No, no, no, no, no... Casimir..."

My hands worked furiously as I tried to staunch the flow, and I stuttered spell after spell attempting to heal him. But I knew that there was nothing that could cure a stab to the heart. No, I refused to accept it, I couldn't believe it, Casimir is not going to die.

"Please..." I sobbed, tears freely falling off my face and mingling with his blood. "I'm sorry, Casimir, I'm so sorry..." How can I get him to understand, with the time we have left draining out, disappearing with every heartbeat? How can I get him to understand that I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, that all I ever wanted was his love? That it was a trance, a dream, a nightmare, that if I could go back into the past and do it again, I would never ever hurt him?

He gurgled, trying to speak. "Shhh... It's okay, Casimir. Everything is going to be alright."

Finally, he gave up trying to say anything, and mouthed it. I'm sorry.

I shook my head, weeping now. "No, no, this is all my fault... But everything is going to be fine, Casimir. It'll all be over in a few seconds now. I'll take care of Snow White-- Nixiann, I promise."

What have I done? What was I thinking in the moment just before my dagger punctured his skin? Why, why, why? Why is this happening? Why did our love go wrong? Why am I tasting this bitter punishment? Why am I watching the love of my life die?

Amethyst... He mouthed, gripping my hand tightly. And for a fleeting moment, I saw the blank look evaporate from his eyes, replaced by the life and fire and stars I had last seen more than two decades ago. Then it all drained out, and there was nothing, nothing, nothing left. 

"I-I love you..." I sobbed, two seconds too late.

He's dead.