You're My Sol

Chapter 11

We were sprawled on my bed.

"Your room is so much cleaner than the last time I was here," Marisol said, looking around.

"Yeah, I went on a bit of a cleaning spree after you left," I said, thinking back to the day after the sleepover.

"Well I can actually see the carpet now," she teased.

I laughed, then we turned back to our textbook. Marisol was taking our "tutoring" sessions seriously. She had a lesson plan and everything. She really was going all out.

"So, I brought a worksheet," she said, leaning down to get it from her backpack. She pulled two out and handed one to me. "Don't look at the other one!" She giggled. "That's the answer key."

I covered my eyes with my hands. "No looking here."

She handed me the blank one and I got to work. It was still confusing, but I was starting to get it. I checked the answer key and saw that I got the majority of them right.

"High five!" Marisol said, holding her hand up.

I gave her a high five. Afterwards, she leaned to the side and got out a big textbook. Marisol dropped it on the bed and opened it.

"I can't read it," I complained, pulling it onto our laps.

"I could read it just fine," she said, but didn't complain.

We leaned down to read it, accidentally butting our heads together.

"Sorry!" We both said at the same time, then laughed.

We bent down, more carefully this time, and read the book. Marisol took a highlighter and drew a line over an equation.

"That's super important," she said.

I nodded.

"Here, let me show you an example." She leaned across me to point out a problem on the worksheet. Our faces were so close.

She didn't touch the paper.

A blush creeped up my cheeks; my heart fluttered. It felt like my head was swimming. All I could do was look at her.

She was so pretty.

I leaned in and closed my eyes. I had never kissed anyone before, but this felt natural.

Marisol seemed shocked at first, but then leaned into the kiss. The textbook fell off the bed, but we ignored it.

My heart was racing. It seemed like it was pounding a million beats a second.

Abruptly, Marisol pushed me back. Her face was flushed and her eyes wide.

"Well..." I said. "I had my first kiss?" I was thinking back to the sleepover, when we made that pact.

"No, no, no, no." Marisol started hyperventilating. "This is wrong. You know this is wrong. We're girls... this... this isn't okay. We can't do this."

My face fell, but I nodded. I couldn't argue with her.

"I... uh, I have to go. You can give me my notes back at school," Marisol said, flustered.

She picked up her backpack and practically sprinted out of my room.

I sighed, burying my head in my pillow. I didn't know how to feel. I liked the kiss. Like, really liked it. Did that make me a lesbian?

I scrunched my nose. Wasn't that bad?

I flipped over onto my back.

I didn't know.

If liking Marisol made me a lesbian, then I guess it couldn't be that bad.

She was so nice and pretty and funny and smart and...

Oh god. I was falling for Marisol.

* * *

I spent the whole night wondering if I was gay, or bi, or if I just liked Marisol. In the end, I decided it didn't matter, anyway. Marisol didn't like me back. She would never like me back, end of discussion. I didn't want to ruin my closest friendship, so I decided to drop it.

As I walked to school, I ran through the things I could say to Marisol in my head. Would I try to convince her to go out with me? Or would I just not mention it at all?

I spent the majority of the morning thinking about it before walking into my precalc class. Marsiol looked to me as I walked in

I slid silently into the seat next to her and she looked away, a blush climbing her cheeks. It was awkward.

Class started and Mr. Lenn began his lecture. I tried to pay attention but all I could focus on was the girl next to me.

After a while, Mr. Lenn said something confusing. I whispered a question to Marisol and she flinched. Ouch.

I sighed, resigning myself to figuring it out myself, when she leaned over and gave me a short answer in response.

"You do the reciprocal."

I nodded in thanks, and went back to my work. At least she was talking to me.

At the end of class, while everyone was shuffling out, I briefly touched Marisol's elbow to hold her back.

She pulled her arm away, but stayed. I missed the time when we would casually touch and it was no big deal. When we could hug and hold hands, and were just girls being girls.

I sighed. It wasn't like that anymore. I had to go and screw it up.

"Hey, I was wondering if we could forget what happened yesterday?" I said breezily, trying not to seem like I cared. My palms were sweating.

Her face lit up. "Oh thank god! I was worried this would ruin our friendship or something. Yeah, I'd like to apologise for that. I'm sorry I did that to you. Let's just forget it."

"Forget what?" I said, winking.

She shoved me playfully and that was it. We were back to our old selves.

As I sat at the lunch table listening to the girls trade stories and laugh, I couldn't help but wonder if being back to our old selves was a good thing.

Maybe I didn't want things to be the same. Maybe I wanted change, maybe I desperately wanted her to like me back. Maybe I was reliving that kiss in my head over and over again, hoping for a different outcome every time.

Maybe I was a fool.

A fool because I was falling for a girl who would never like me back, who couldn't like me back. She was straight, and that was it.

But that made me wonder.

Why did she kiss back?