Think of me

thirty two: it's Christmas

Grayson

The whole drive home was just a blur. All I could see was Billie. The journey was over before I knew it because I hadn't been focusing on driving, auto-pilot was on.

It was past midnight when I got out the car. I tried to shut the car door as quietly as possible, but my parent's bedroom light was on, meaning they were awake, so they would hear me no matter how quiet I tried to be. I didn't take care when opening the door and shutting it behind me again.

'Where the fuck have you been?' My dad's drunk voice shouted from upstairs. I flinched at the sound and took a deep breath. It was always worse when he'd been drinking.

'Out.' I replied, loud enough that he wouldn't be able to tell me I was talking quietly.

'Get up here.' He shouted. I did what I was told, even though I didn't want to. I was preparing myself for the worst. There was no getting out of a beating if he was drunk. I just had to take it until he passed out.

'Out where?' He asked as soon as I reached the top of the stairs.

'Just out.' I replied. I couldn't tell him where I'd actually been. I didn't want to tell him about Billie. It wasn't his right to know, he didn't care about anything else in my life, so why care if I had a girlfriend? She was mine, and I couldn't let him take that away from me.

'Fucking tell me right now, or I swear to God-' He raised a fist into the air.

'I was round someone's house!' I blurted out before he could hit me.

'Oh yeah?' He started laughing. 'Who's house? You don't have any friends to hang out with, so who's house was it?' This was a perfect example of how he knew nothing about me. He'd never met Ben, or Theo, or Frankie. He didn't know I was in a group and that I got invited to parties. Or that I actually had a life, unlike him.

'Just a girl I know.' I explained briefly.

'What? You're fuck buddy or something? Are you paying her?' He burst out laughing again. It was scary how much he amused himself.

'You don't know what you're talking about. She's my girlfriend.' I said. I immediately regretted saying that. But I didn't want him to think that I was a dickhead like him.

'A fucking girlfriend?' He said. His tone started like he was joking, but as he continued to speak, I could tell he was getting angrier and angrier by the second. 'So that's where you keep going. To see your girlfriend. I bet she's a fucking slut if she's with you. How come you were round her house? I've never met her, your mum's never met her. Bring her over here for fucks sake.' 

By the time he finished his rant, he had thumped me on the shoulder a few times. Just warming up. But then he got more violent. He punched my stomach, causing me to bend over in pain. But almost immediately he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me so that I was standing upright again. He shoved me into the wall and then shoved me again and again. I kept my head held high. Billie was never going to meet this man. Ever. 

He slapped me, causing my head to shoot to the side. From there he grabbed my hair and pulled my head down so that I was bent over again. Then he kneed me in the chest multiple times. I was getting weak, but I refused to fall over.

He kicked my shins and stamped on my feet. He slapped me again. He punched me in the gut. But soon, I was too weak to stay standing. I let my self flop onto the ground. That gave him the perfect opportunity to kick me in the stomach, over and over and over again. 

My vision was going blurry, from pain and tears. But I could see my mum's head poke out from behind the bedroom door. I shut my eyes. I couldn't bare to watch her walk away, again. But what happened next shocked me.

'It's Christmas.' My mum's frail voice squeaked. My dad stopped kicking me immediately, and stamped his foot on the ground instead.

'What?' He shouted at her.

'It's Christmas.' She repeated, her voice was slightly louder this time, but it still came out as a croak.

My eyes were still shut, I was too scared to open them. But I heard footsteps walking away and then the sound of a door closing. I squinted through one eye to check if I had been left alone or not. And to my surprise and relief, I had.

I forced myself to stand up and walk to my bedroom. I shut the door behind me and fell into bed, fully clothed. I was even still wearing the hoodie and socks that Billie got me. I was too weak to take them off. And frankly, they gave me comfort.

I was right. I didn't sleep that night. But not because I was thinking about Billie.

It was because I had just heard my mum speak for the first time in three years.