Streets and Sheets: The B Side

13. Made it work

"Just let me leave." I broke the silence after standing in the hallway for so long.

"And then what? I let you leave and then what huh?" She ran her fingers through her hair. I dont know what she wanted me to say or do I just know it's best for me to leave. I stood refusing to show any emotion while she was in my presence.

"We lead separate lives. You can call your homegirl and tell her the aftermath I don't know." I continued to take a few steps in to the common area before she blocked the way.

"I didn't  know you would feel this way." She said changing her tone. She folded her arms and began fit tear up again.

"Ken you didn't ask. You made a choice you had the right to make. It just sucks that I didn't agree with it." I picked a spot on the wall and made it my focus. It took everything out of me not to call her selfish and maintain my cool. I let her think she was over powering me in order to prevent any escalation. Tensions and emotions ran high and it was in my best interest to stay cool.

"Wow." She took a deep breath, breaking my focus causing me to make eye contact with her. Once our eyes met I proceeded to brush past her and make my way to the door. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders as I twisted the knob.

"Deontay are you serious?" She asked me as I stepped out of the apartment. I dropped my head turning around. I took her in to my arms, holding her tight, and letting her cry it out. I have done a lot of shit but to let her really go through this alone would be top level trifling. I used my energy in a positive way as I held her. She didn't say anything as she wept in my arms for a while. I tried to come to the understanding that she was protecting herself but I could only see it as selfish.

"I'm sorry. What do you expect from
Me after telling my you have already taken the steps to abort the baby. Tell me what the fuck you want?" I said sarcastically.

"Asking you to stay would be too much huh?" I instantly wanted to tell her yes. Staying any longer would be too much. I wanted to strangle her for not even including me in her choice until it was too late but it was her choice in the end.

"I can't." I thought I was coming over here for a quickie and not a life time of emotions.

"I'm sorry Tay." I managed to hear her say.

"Don't be. There is nothing that I could have done anyway." I kept my words short in order to not make her feel any worse than she already does. I tried to put myself in her shoes but it simply didn't work. I was aware that a baby want the fix for everything but it was a start.

"I want a family and we wouldn't have been a real family..."

"I would have made it work." I found myself yelling and pushing her away all at the same time. I could tell she was pushing me to say how I really felt. It was obvious that I was furious and wanted nothing else to do with her. I didn't talk for a month when E and I gave our baby up for adoption and I don't see this being any different. At 17 years old I want able to think let alone articulate how it felt to have a women pregnant. I didn't want to be a father at that time because it would make me weak and vulnerable. The moment that the streets found out that I had a baby was the moment the target went from my back to my family's. Now I didn't have an excuse.

"So I'm good enough to fuck on but not good enough to father your kid?" I skipped over her comment about family.

"That's not what I mean." She began.

"You didn't have to say it because I see it because I see it."

"I would have made it work" I said again, now at an acceptable tone. In an instant I left. I'm my mind there was no reason to continue to have the conversation.

"Deontay." She said as I opened the door and made my way downstairs to my car.

"Deontay." She said screaming at the top of her lungs causing me to stop in my tracts. After taking a second I decided to keep walking. I shuffled for my keys as I exited the in apartment building to make a get away. I pulled off of the block, driving for about five minutes before pulling over, and breaking down. I turned the engine off and sank in to the driver's seat.

I scanned my phone to see who's I could call to actually talk through how I felt at the moment but no one came to mind. I tossed my phone in the passenger seat realizing that I may have to handle this on my own for a bit. I gained a bit of comfort knowing I could return to my big empty house and lay in my bed. There it was safe for me to cry or yell or even burn it down if I needed to.