Cinders [Completed]

Chapter 45: Fire

It starts in the early morning.

"Goddess," I say when I first feel it, "not today."

Orion is still asleep. But if I thought heat was bad when we were apart - it's so much worse when he's touching me.

As slowly as I can, I struggle out of the bed, finally rushing to the bathroom. Each step away from him actually feels worse, somehow, than the last.

I tear off my pajamas, but the release from the fabric does little to cool the volcanic feeling burning through my skin. It races from my fingertips to my spine and I just know somewhere in the knot developing at the core of my body that Orion, Orion Orion Orion could cool every inch of my body with his -

I slam the shower faucet to as cold as it will go.

I gasp at the shock of the frigid water on my skin, but the sound doesn't escape the tiled walls. Still, I press my hand to my mouth, lowering myself to the ground.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

He's back there. I'm in here. We're good.

I take a breath, and I find that it is better, this time. The initial wave had simply taken me off guard. The warmth thrums inside of my fingertips, but it's not a rush of fire, like it was months ago. Goddess, if I weren't stunted, at least these things would be a little easier to anticipate.

Okay. This is manageable. I'm in control. I finally turn off the cold water and step into the bathroom, shivering.

I stop shivering a moment later when the warmth flares up. I bite at my lip, feeling ridiculously stupid.

I've done research on stunted wolves in heat. I've studied this. But no one really has answers. For some stunted wolves, even those that have mates, heat doesn't come at all. If I weren't stunted, Orion and I would go into heat at the same time.

But after I force myself into the clothes that now seem ridiculously constraining, I know with a surety that he isn't experiencing this with me. One glance at the clock confirms that it is 3 in the morning - and Orion is peacefully sleeping. Another wave of warmth washes over me and my grip on the bathroom counter tightens.

He couldn't sleep through this.

I just want to feel him everywhere.

I cover my eyes from my bathroom lights, which now seem too cold and clinical.

It's so stupid that I'm even thinking about this. There's so much going on - has always been so much going on. I haven't even had time to think it all through. Every time I think about this, I feel ridiculous. I'm about the opposite of any seduction technique.

But why does this mean we have to have sex?

Orion and I have done everything our own way. We've ignored basically every norm for a relationship. So this shouldn't mean anything, really.  Do I want it to mean something?

It's taken me so long just to become myself again. To just - be me, without Orion or Dad or Lucy. How will I keep hold of myself if I give away all of myself to him?

It's not a big deal. It's the 21st century. No one cares about it any more.

But, I admit to myself reluctantly, I do. I think this is important. A day ago, I would have said that I wanted this. But today, with the burning in my veins, the screaming in my head - I have no idea if I'm the one wanting, now.