Powder [phan]

IV

WARNING: DRUG USE, ARGUMENT, AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR, ABUSE, SEX WITHOUT CONSENT (?), ANGST

Dan's POV

I woke up confused. The living room was a lot darker. Did I fall asleep again? I just had a kind of argument with Phil and now it was so quiet and dark. Didn't he want to make us a coffee? I sat up, confused, rubbing my eye, whereupon I noticed that my duvet was over me.

He had covered me up again. I smiled slightly and waited for my eyes to get used to the darkness. Shortly thereafter, I realized that light was coming from Phil's bedroom, and I decided to get up with my blanket. It was so fucking cold.

I slowly padded into his bedroom, whereupon I saw that he was sitting on his laptop and editing one of his videos. I watched him for a moment, feeling guilty at shouting at him earlier. It wasn't him I was shouting at, but how should I explain it to him?

I carefully found my way next to him and knelt down, watching him calmly for a while as he edited his video. His gaze wandered briefly to me, but he said nothing and I didn't know what to say. There was nothing to hear except the click of his mouse and the ticking of the clock hanging in the hallway.

"I'm sorry." I started at some point. "I didn't want to yell at you."

"I know." He replied softly and looked at me briefly. "It's okay."

It wasn't. But I had no strength to get involved in this discussion, about what was okay and what was not.

"Should I order something to eat? Chinese? Like the good old times?" It was a kind of peace offer and Phil smiled slightly.

"Sounds good." I nodded and got up, whereupon I left Phil's room and picked up my cell phone.

Phil's POV

I wasn't angry with him. To be honest, I couldn't be angry with him about it. When we had this kind of argument earlier, I saw the fear in his eyes and I immediately forgot why I was so pissed off. I just wanted to hug him, protect him, tell him that everything would be fine, but he was so startled that I was afraid to take a step towards him.

I wanted to tell him that I would never hurt him, never, but how would he have reacted?

What happened to him? I had never seen him like this in my entire life and I had seen him in a few moments. When I saw that he had fallen asleep, I just covered him up and hoped that he could recharge his batteries after this shitty day that wasn't over yet.

After we ordered the food and ate, Dan and I were sitting on my bed together. I answered a few emails while Dan was on his phone, probably scrolling through Twitter or Tumblr again. The mood was tense in some way and unknown to me.

He was sitting at the other end of the bed, barely talking, seemed lost somewhere in his head as he stared at his cell phone. He didn't want to be here, did he? Why was he here? Why wasn't he alone in the living room? Couldn't he make a decision? Was he afraid?

I kept looking over at him worried, but he didn't seem to pay any attention to me or he ignored me very well. Too good.

I slowly closed my laptop, looked at him, but he didn't respond.

"Dan?" I tried to get his attention and his eyes went straight to me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He said softly, tired. So fucking tired. I slowly got up and put my laptop on my desk, wondering what to do now.

"You know what? I sleep on the couch today. You can have my bed, you've been lying on this couch enough today." I tried to do the right thing and Dan just looked at me, maybe a mix of confusion and gratitude. He wanted to be alone, right? Did he know what he wanted?