Powder [phan]

XXI

WARNING: MENTION OF DRUGS, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

***

Dan's POV

A week later, my situation didn't look any better. It looked worse.

I had told Phil that I would go to my old apartment, which I still had to take some things from. I noticed that it annoyed him that I still hadn't quit the apartment, but he didn't say.

I never went to my old apartment.

The evening dawned and I had been sitting in a park for hours waiting for my thoughts to clear. My cell phone was off and Oliver hadn't been able to track me down yet. No more than Phil.

I could already see the moon, which appeared in the sky on summer days like this, although the darkness would only come in a short time.

The shore emptied slowly, the people became fewer until I was alone.

There was chaos and frightening calm in my head at the same time.

I just didn't know anything anymore. Didn't understand myself, didn't understand what was reality and what was illusion, didn't know what was truth and what was a lie.

Was I starting to go insane?

One thing was certain, that I couldn't control myself.

Sentences left my mouth without me wanting to utter them and my feelings changed every second. My thoughts repeatedly convinced me of completely opposite views.

I was aggressive and relaxed, felt a thousand emotions at the same time and then nothing at all.

Loved and hated, missed and wished at the same time that I would never see everyone again. I wish I just died in America.

I saw myself lying in bed a few hours ago, with the desire to use my drug-intensified feeling to sleep with him. It was supposed to help me lose my mind like the night before. When I was at the highest point where cocaine worked the most, I could float so high above the clouds with Phil, leave this world for a few minutes. Forget that the pain otherwise prevented me from enjoying his touch.

But when I sat at the table with him this morning, the thought that it would be the last time awakened more and more in me. The last breakfast with him, the last kiss, the last laugh. The last time to be united before I would lose him forever.

Did I really love the drugs so much that I even took the risk of losing Phil, even though my subconscious understood that this was the stupidest idea on earth? And that had to end. I had to choose one side.

I had already forgotten that I had sent a message because suddenly Tyler appeared in front of me after I called and asked to come here immediately because I needed his help.

He just looked at me for a while until he sat down on the bench next to me. He looked sick, had a stain on his neck.

"What's going on, Daniel?" He fell into the house with the door and I sighed as I stroked the hair from my face that the slowly rising wind had blown away.

"Is it about Phil?" He asked further and I looked at him, eyed him before I nodded. Somehow it felt good to talk to him and I was more than grateful that he showed up so quickly.

"I thought so. Somehow it's all about him in the end." He laughed softly and let his gaze wander over the park in front of us.

"Actually it's more about me, I think." I corrected and Tyler looked at me with my eyebrows raised.

"And you call me?" He asked somewhat skeptically and I swallowed hard.

"I can't talk to Phil or Oliver about it." I explained and Tyler nodded understandingly. He was playing with his hands, apparently not knowing what to do.