Powder [phan]

XXXIII

Dan's POV

It was a pleasant day in autumn. It was already dawning and we were sitting together in Phil's parents' garden.

I had mentioned a few days ago that I wanted to go home again and the boys were right there. I haven't even been there since rehab because I just didn't feel ready to stand in front of all those people after I fucked up so bad.

But nothing had changed.

You could say that there's probably no place in the world I'd rather be right now.

In the middle of us a campfire was burning that Phil's dad had just lit as the air became much cooler as the evening went on. We had formed a circle around it and had a beer in our hands from which we hadn't drunk for a long time because we were thirsty, but only sipped on it because it was just there.

Next to me was Oliver. His parents, who had adopted me as well as he had, showed me nothing but love when we showed up there. Phil had immediately gone to his parents and since they wanted to see me again after rehab, they invited Oliver and me over.

Opposite of me Phil was sitting next to his mom, who had welcomed me as loving as ever. Phil's father was about to get more wood. Unfortunately Phil's brother was somewhere else, which I found a a bit sad, because I would have liked to see him again as well.

Phil stared silently into the fire and gave the impression of not participating in the present at all.

Kathryn opened some topic, in which I first participated as usual, until my attention was again focused on Phil, who showed no reaction at all. But when his mom and Oliver started laughing about something, he seemed to wake up and drove through his hair until his eyes found mine.

I had been back for almost four months and yet I still couldn't really let him go. Every time he looked at me, said my name or just laughed, I fell in love with him again.

He turned away again when his father threw some new wood into the fire and let himself fall next to Kathryn. I put the bottle against my lips again and some peace returned. You could only hear the sounds of nature, which made me feel really good for the first time in a long time.

"Are you allowed to drink beer at all?" Phil's father asked, jokingly, half serious, thus tearing us all out of our thoughts. It was my family, so such conversations were kind of okay, even if they were kinda akward.

"I shouldn't necessarily get drunk, but a beer with you guys is fine."

He held his beer bottle up to me so we could toast, which I accepted with a smile. Afterwards we both took a sip, whereupon my eyes fell back on Phil, who was kind of introverted.

He had told me on the way here that he had broken up with John. Oliver had looked at me for a split second until he stood by with compassion. After a few minutes I also pulled myself together to stand by him as a friend.

For that moment in the car it seemed as if something like that was actually possible. Us, just friends. But I would never stop wanting him.

I looked at Oliver, who, oddly enough, was also looking at me.

"I'm gonna take off for a minute, okay? I'm gonna take a little walk."

"You okay?" he asked quietly and I nodded immediately. "Don't be long."

"Yes, mom." I joked and stood up, and Phil looked at me. I explained to everyone that I was leaving for a moment and in a short while I disappeared from the house. I had to let it sink in what was going on. Too many feelings came over me. That's what I had learned in therapy: That it was okay to back out.