Powder [phan]

IX

"It's not the drugs that make an addict.
It's the need to escape reality."

WARNING: DRUG USE, ALCOHOL, BRIEF MENTION OF SUICIDE (?), DEPRESSION, ANGST, AGGRESIVE BEHAVIOR

Phil's POV

I didn't really understand when Oliver told me that Dan didn't want to see me anymore. Even Oliver didn't understand because Dan didn't answer him. I assured Oliver that nothing had happened when I was there, at least nothing that I had consciously noticed. To be honest, I couldn't really imagine what prompted Daniel to say this. Had he really been so angry with me? It wouldn't be this, right?

The worst thing was when he came back and told me nothing about it. I had heard about it from Oliver and when I saw him for the first time in a few weeks, he seemed to me as cold as never before. Daniel Howell wasn't cold, even if he pretended to be. He was always warm and full of life and love and optimism. It had always been there, but now everything seemed to be gone. As if he was just an empty shell.

Oliver was afraid to let him go home, but he couldn't hold him. Daniel said that he still had to go to one of these anti-drug meetings anyway. I paid attention to every move Dan made and at the end of the day I was sure he was clean, what calmed me down a lot. Maybe he would find his way back to us. He talked to me normally, running away from the subject of why he didn't want to see me, but he was cold, distant. And it hurt because before the clinic I was actually sure that he felt the same for me as I did for him. I just wanted to wait until he was more stable to start this conversation, but I probably didn't need to start it now anyway.

A few days later I was alone in my bed, just wishing he would be next to me. Innocent, I just wanted him with me.

I missed him. I missed him so much that I could hardly stand it.

I had never been separated from him for so long since I knew him, and even when he was no longer in the clinic, it didn't feel like he was back. We just lived side by side. Perhaps he would now be able to live without me and no longer need me.

A look at my cell phone told me that it was already two in the morning, so I decided to go to the bathroom one last time before I would go to bed. I rose with a sigh.

I brushed my teeth, just looked at myself for ages, and wondered how the hell our lives had gone in that direction. Then I went back to the bedroom, took off my pants and lay down in my cool bed, which would soon return to my body heat.

Then suddenly the bell rang and I was sitting upright in bed. What the hell?

I almost suspected it when it rang again after a short pause and I pulled myself up so that not all of my neighbors were woken up.

I hurriedly jumped out of bed and let the person in, who must have insisted.

It rattled in the hallway and echoed through the floors as he struggled up the stairs. Fortunately, there weren't many steps up to me, so I soon saw my suspicions confirmed. Dan.

He staggered in front of me with a bottle of alcohol in his hand that was already well emptied.

"May I come in?" He asked completely drunk as he braced himself on the grating.

I stepped aside completely, leaning against the open apartment door so that he could walk past me.

"Where the fuck where you? Since when do you get drunk at this meetings?" I started, although I actually had little hope that I could talk to him properly in this state.

"I wasn't at this stupid meeting." he slurred and dropped onto my sofa. He had a scarf that was hanging half off and generally he looked pretty neglected.