𝐬𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐫. [𝐥𝐫𝐡]

chapter fifteen: "real mommy."

[luke hemmings]

"daddy... do you miss my real mommy? is that why you're sad?"

his words are muffled due to his head being buried in my neck, but i manage to make out the words none the less. i'm stunned into silence. he wasn't supposed to know yet. i'd planned to tell him when he was old enough to properly understand...

he knows he doesn't have a mom, but he doesn't know that he used to. he doesn't know that she left us, not caring about either of our futures. i can't tell him that... it'd break his little heart.

i can't watch that happen.

louis takes his head out of the crook of my neck. he peers up at me with a questioning gaze. he's clueless. "why are you being so quiet, daddy?"

lost in my own world, i don't give an answer. my mind is clouded with possible explanations, and the ghost of a woman i should've forgotten by now.

louis, confused by my lack of response, takes to prodding at my face. still caught up in my own mind, i don't notice his stubby little fingers poking at my cheeks, until he accidentally prods my eyeball.

"seriously, buddy? keep your hands to yourself." i grumble, slightly annoyed.

the small boy pouts. "b-but you weren't answering... a-and it was an important question! my teacher said you have to tell people why you're sad before you can make them happy again, and even uncle callie can tell that you're sad. uncle callie is stupid!"

calum can be stupid sometimes.

"i'm sorry for ignoring you, lou. i was thinking..." i wrap my arms around his tiny frame and hug him into my chest. "how did you know about your 'real mommy'?"

"uncle cal told me. i heard you and mikey talking about someone, so i asked him 'bout it! he told me my old mommy wasn't a good person and was very mean to you. i don't like it when people are mean to you and mommy... it makes me sad."

"mommy as in... cam?"

"i think so..." louis thinks over the name, unsure whether it was the right one. "callie said her name was carmen. she can play the stringy thing, just like you, daddy!"

no matter how many times i tell him, he still refuses to accept that the 'stringy thing' is called a guitar. he can be extremely stubborn sometimes. he definitely got that trait from me.

i'd like to see how good she is at playing the guitar. maybe we could play together some time... that'd be nice. mia never wanted to do anything like that with me.

"would you like it if i asked mommy if she was free tomorrow, lou? we could go out and do something fun together." i suggest. it's a bit of a last minute idea, but for some reason, i suddenly want to see her.

need to see her.

louis face lights up with joy. the sight of his smile makes a slightly smaller one form on my face. "yes please, daddy! we could go to the zoo! ooh, or the aquarium! we could teach mommy the names of all of the animals, just like you did for me the first time we went!"

i chuckle lightly. "i'm pretty sure she knows what a penguin is, lou..."

"you don't know that for sure, daddy. what if she's never seen one before?"

"then i guess we can teach her... but only if she's free. i don't want you to get upset if she's busy, okay?"

it's a stupid request, on my part. he's obviously going to be disappointed if she can't come, but it's worth a try.