A Cowgirl's Rodeo

Chapter 22

On multiple occasions Ridge had asked me if I was alright. Every time my answer was the same, "I'm perfect." But the thing was, I wasn't sure if I was okay. I just kept pretending, I was becoming good at it. When I kissed Ridge, hugged him, I felt disgusted with myself but I still managed to put the necessary amount of passion behind it to keep him from asking questions. When we saw landmarks like the Statue of Liberty and Time Square, the old me would have been ecstatic but now, I was just along for the ride. Nodding at the appropriate times and asked half assed questions that I already knew the answer to but wanted him to think I was interested.

Ridge could see through me though. I knew it. He could tell I was faking any enjoyment and excitement that I tried to portray. On multiple occations he tried to get me to call Jerald or even John Ross but I always turned him down, telling him I was fine. But now, my month was over and I had to go back home where it was a lot warmer but lonely. "Honey?" Ridge's voice pulled me from my depressing thoughts.

I looked up at him with tired but attentive eyes, "Yeah? Sorry, just day dreaming."

He didn't look fooled at all. "Jerald is going to be at the Abilene airport to pick you up." I just nodded, continuing to find the rest of my clothes to put in my suitcase. "Ana, look at me please." I could tell it was more of a demand, so I turned to him, raising an eyebrow. "What's wrong with you?" He asked angrily.

I felt bad that I was upsetting him this much but I couldn't help it, I had my heart practically ripped out of my chest. And it pissed me off because I had done it to myself. "What's wrong with me is the fact that I've lost every person who's actually meant something to me, whether it be by God's doing or my own stupidity." I cried out, shoving my finger into his chest angrily. "And you know what, it's absolute bullshit that I'm expected to just be okay and to move on. I'm human you know? I feel pain, I feel love, I feel everything that everyone else does. But I'm expected to remain strong and push through. Well you know what, I've been strong for too damn long and I'm ready to break. I'll embrace it even because it's my God given right as a human to lose my cool for once."

I hadn't realized to was crying until Ridge reached to brush away my tears. I quickly smacked his hand away, sick and tired of his touch, seeing it always brought trouble. "Honey. I never told you you had to remain strong, to push your feelings away. I told you it would be hard, it would be painful but you just hid from everyone. You hid behind this cold exterior, not allowing yourself to feel. Nobody expects you to be a rock Anastasia."

"Then why does it feel like nobody wants me to be happy?" I yelled, hysterically. I ran my fingers through my knotted hair, my hand trembling from the adrenaline of letting my feelings out. "I just want things back to normal." I sighed.

He looked at me seriously. "What is normal?" He paused and I kept my head down trying to fight back the angry tears. "Was normal before your dad died, before you met John Ross, or before you kissed me?"

I slammed my suitcase closed, zipped it up and grabbed it. Ignoring him, I headed for the door, "I don't want to miss my flight."

I briskly walked past everyone, merely waving my hand at them before I was grabbed and lifted off my feet. "I know you're hurting now but don't be a stranger Rookie."

Moose finally set me down after I gave him a tight hug back and promised to visit. But whether I actually keep the promise was up for debate.

~

As I sat down in my seat on the plane to Abilene, I half-smiled at the man sitting next to me. He smiled back watching me curiously. Finally feeling somewhat calm being around strangers who don't know me, I rested my head back onto my seat. I continued to feel the man's gaze on me and without opening my eyes, said to him, "Can I help you Sir?" My southern accent came out strong, which it tends to do when I speak to strangers. It often intrigued people who weren't from a southern state and made me smile when I see their look of awe and with some guys, attraction.