jangmi (장미) ● taejoon

e i g h t y s i x .

   It wasn't enough to say that Jungkook broke. The ash left from the bullets filled his senses as he tried to hold his brother's hands one last time before he left. His fingers slipped between the older's skinnier ones, noticing their hand size differences: Jungkook outgrew his older brother because Yoongi always kept him healthy. It was too late to realize that.

"... Hyung, please..." Jungkook whispered desperately, "Please don't say that."

Seokjin knew Namjoon's house up and down, so he moved around to the first aid kit in the kitchen cabinets. He pulls out the red box just as the front door closes - indicated by Jungkook's choked up whimpers.

Seokjin leans over the kitchen sink to dab rubbing alcohol over his wound. As he does, he glances down at the numerous dirty plates laying around untouched. He grows quiet, patting the bloody cotton ball over his skin before throwing it away and placing a gauze over the graze.

He picks up the plates, noticing the old stains of the meals he use to cook for Namjoon. How every plate was nearly scooped clean, there was never any food waste around unless Namjoon refused to eat because he was always busy. On good days, the man would lick the plate clean. The site of the less oddly soothed Seokjin.

He turns on the faucet and begins to wash them. His expression was unidentifiable, but somewhere on his lips he pulls up a comforted grin. Endearingly, in fact. As if he was sobering up a bit from reality as he squeezed the sponge in his hand and soap buds scattered the sink.

Seokjin smiled a bit though his eyes felt heavy. He could feel his eye bags weigh him down. Cold water ran down fingertips, but something warm touched his cheeks. He didn't know why, but he felt his cheeks begin to heat up. He kept grinning, till he abruptly let out a cry. It was covered by the faucet's flow, but he let out another cry.

He pressed his soaking wet hand to his cheek, and Seokjin noticed he was crying. He profusely continued to wipe and cry, burrowing his eyebrows in confusion. His mouth twitched and turned downward, he covers his eye as rapid cries curdled in his throat.

"... Why am I crying?" Seokjin mutters to himself, "Stop it..."

Seokjin wiped his reddening eyes and sniffles a deep breathe before going back to washing the various plates. "Namjoon, sometimes you can be a dirty bastard," he laughs tiredly, placing the clean plates onto the drying rack. "... It is my fault though, I always clean up after you at home."

"... I-I do fuck up sometimes," Seokjin cracked a painful grin, tears beginning to cloud his vision. "I... I haven't cooked you a meal for a whole month, you must be starving-"

"... Seokjin Hyung,"Jungkook's voice was shy behind him. He stands by the doorframe of the kitchen with his head lowered. "... The kitchen lights are off..."

"Huh?" Seokjin looked back to face him, wiping his eyes from tears and blinking a bit to clear his vision. "O-Oh, I didn't notice. The lights from the living room were light enough from there so..."

"... What're you doing?" Jungkook asks, "We still have all night to finish what we started... We... We should head out if we're going to come back before dawn..."

"Let's just rest for tonight, Jungkook," Seokjin says, "We're all frustrated and tired at the moment, it's better if we take a break."

"But..." Jungkook wiped his pink nose with his sleeve. "We planned to do it tonight-"

"I'm going to make Sundubu Jjigae?" Seokjin says, wiping his hands dry with the table cloth beside the sink. "... There has to still be some good vegetable and tofu rations left in his fridge, if not I'll just head out in the morning to get some. It's better to go early, you know?"

"... Okay..."

Seokjin cleared his throat while nodding and opened the fridge, rummaging around with his back facing Jungkook. "... Why don't you go check up on Namjoon?"

"I'll go do that-"

"... Jungkook," Seokjin calls out just as he turns his back, "... Your brother doesn't mean that, you know? ... Everything is just stressful right now, and stress can get to people. If you still respect him enough, apologize... I might have to too..."

Jungkook nodded silently, hesitating but stepping away and walking towards the hyung's door. He kept his head down, he wasn't upset but at most ashamed.

Seokjin closed the fridge when Jungkook walked away. His hand slipping away from the handle to cover his mouth, he falls onto his knees. "I'm so sorry," Seokjin wailed quietly, his face turning into silent pain as he curled over and cried in silence. Seokjin crumbles, "I'm so sorry.  I'm so stupid, I'm so fucking stupid."

"... Namjoon hyung?" Jungkook knocks on the bedroom door softly and waits. "It's Jungkook..."

It was obvious there wasn't going to be a reply. Jungkook unlocks the door using his fingernail and twisting the lock up to unlock the door. He opens it quietly.

Namjoon is curled up in his bed with a pillow over his head and a blanket covering his body. His hand gripped the pillow tightly till his knuckles protruded out his hand. It almost looked suffocating.

"... Hyung," Jungkook cautiously walked over and sat beside the older. "You can't rest like that."

"... I can't make this world a better place," Namjoon's voice is faint under the pillow. "... It's torture everyday. It's stepping on flames just to try to make a difference- I-I can't do it..."

"... Whatever you heard outside, it's not your fault-"

"... Why am I not allowed to cry?" Namjoon asks, "... I-Is it because I'm a man? Is it because I'm a leader?! What- What is it? Why do I have to feel guilty every time I breakdown, I'm not suppose to be this way- I haven't even slept properly in five years..."

Jungkook slowly placed his hand over Namjoon's to loosen his grip. "... Isn't it suppose to be tough to be a leader? That's how you earn respect..."

The younger pulls the pillow away from Namjoon's head. He's in tears, exhaustingly crying just like everyone else. His eyes dart towards Jungkook, his tears running down his temples as he pursed his lips.  He doesn't smile,  he doesn't say it's okay, it doesn't say tears aren't meant for him. He just cries. Continues to cry for the first time without a mask.

Jungkook has never seen Namjoon cry before.

"... Why does being a leader make you less of a person?" Namjoon asks, "Everything I give is for you, for every member, every family.  I ask for a break and I'm suddenly selfish? I gave all my power to Taehyung so he can get our daughter back. I-I'll get back up again, but right now I just- I just can't."

Jungkook pulled Namjoon into his chest and sighed gently. "Cry," he says, "Cry all over me. I don't mind... Cry as long as you want."

"I'm so sore," Namjoon begin to shake in his arms, his face trembling as tears begin to release under the safety of the younger's voice. "My back is killing me."

"Get some rest," Jungkook hums, holding him close. "Seokjin hyung will have food for you in the morning..."

"Thank you," Namjoon whispered, holding Jungkook's arm for security before bursting into sobs. His body naturally curls into Jungkook's, and Jungkook soothes his back with his other hand and hums soft sounds like a gentle hummingbird.

Jungkook never once thought Namjoon was weak. This never diminished his belief either.

You can mature in different ways.

[unedited]