Perfect Imperfections

Chapter 17 - Fuck it

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

So I moved to California, but it's just a state of mind
It turns out everywhere you go, you take yourself, that's not a lie
Wish that you would hold me or just say that you were mine
It's killing me slowly

Dream a little dream of me
Make me into something sweet
Turn the radio on, dancing to a pop song
Fuck it, I love you
Fuck it, I love you
Fuck it, I love you
I really do

××××

The aroma of a delicious European buffet swirled in the hall with fancy varieties of alcohol kept at every table, the entire supper seeming more expensive that anything I had ever stolen. Emily and Zachary swayed on the floor, enjoying their first dance as a couple, giggling and whispering into each other's ears every once in a while as if exchanging little secrets no one knew about.

They looked in love while I looked ready to stuff food in my face followed by an episode of reckless drinking and finally getting fired from my job. New beginning were happening for so many of us today.

I didn't know where Evan was which was completely okay because I hadn't even tried looking. One of the reasons I loved the crowds so much was because it was one of the easiest places to hide in, even with everyone around you.

It was the best place for me because even after everything, I was still, ofcourse, a con girl.

I mean maybe not entirely, but it was still a part of who I was. I may have stopped stealing and if we judged solely by my last twelve months record, I was completely clean and hadn't done a thing that could land me in jail. But mentally I still wasn't able to completely let go of that con girl that was once my only identity.

Inside that con girl was a girl who loved to escape her reality by pretending her problems didn't exist instead of facing them heads on. I was still a girl living in an illusion, thinking that if I run away far enough, my fears wouldn't be able to catch up. Like hiding from my problems was a brave way to escape them.

Which is why I had spent a good thirty minutes convincing myself that after today, I'll never see Evan again. Ofcourse, in vain.

But really, why would I? There weren't any more excuses left. The wedding was over and there was nothing keeping us together anymore. Tomorrow we would return back to our normal lives without each other, in two different continents, although the distance between us was never really just physical. I didn't know if that was supposed to make things easier or even harder.

I picked the last item for my dessert plate, chocolate cupcakes. My mind wandered to the time I was in the kitchen with Evan, clumsily putting frosting on the cupcakes we had made together while he patiently stood beside my hopeless self, teaching me how to not ruin those delicious sweets.

If only he knew how flawless I was at ruining perfect things.

He had told me if he could have mornings like those every day for the rest of his life, he would. I felt so close to that memory like if I were to extend my hand, I could almost touch it, but the second my fingers were to brush against it, it would pop like a bubble and disappear forever without a trace.

Was my fear of getting turned down by the only man I had ever truly let in greater than that moment? My heart was already his and if I had to risk shattering it further, then for him, I would do it all over again. And again. And again.

The runner was still inside me, but for Evan, I would move ahead instead of going backwards like each time before.

I had to find him. I had to fight for him.