infatuation | kylo ren.

chapter eight.

that night in aria's quarters, you guys talked about the past, memories and what you had planned for the future. she was passed out asleep on her cot, snoring and sleep talking, which made you laugh. you loved that about her.

you tried to follow her words, don't talk to kylo. don't even be around him. you tried and tried, but the thought of him wouldn't let you sleep. you just needed answers.

you quietly got up, trying to be extra silent and kissed her cheek, smiling fondly to yourself. you stepped outside of the hatch and checked your surroundings, looking out for guards. it was past the lights out schedule, so being out could lead to consequences.

you huffed, your feet taking you straight to kylo's room. you didn't regret it, for a second. you weren't anxious or nervous, and you wouldn't let him have such control over you this time. you collected yourself, being in front of the two guards.

"your reasoning?"

"the commander, important."

one looked at the other, shrugging and looked back at you. "the commander is away from his quarters right now, busy with things. you can come back another time." one informed and you sighed, giving them a smile.

"well, as for visiting his quarters, i forgot my bag in his room and it has my clipboard with it, which is super important! i'll just grab it and come right back." you told them and they nodded, opening the doors for you. "oh, and inform general hux for me that i need to see the commander within an hour. it's to discuss his health, it seems to not be stable."

you walked to his room and entered, gazing around. you were in suspicion and started to look around his room. it was too large of an area to fully cover and investigate. you looked under his bed, the sides of it, looking for god knows what. maybe a journal or something.

he didn't have much clothes, they were neatly folded on top of each other on a table and you sighed. you were officially losing your mind. your head turned to the side, seeing another door. you slowly made your way to it and the hatch opened, the air of the room touching your face, and lights flickered on. what the hell was this room?

before you could go in deeper, the main hatch door opened and you spun around in surprise, facing kylo. his mask was on and it intimidated you. "what are you doing in here?" he asked and shoved you out of the secretive room, nearly kicking you off your balance.

"take off the fucking mask." you demanded and he stood there for a second, agreeing. he put the mask on the side table and you didn't even hold back. your hand came into contact with his cheek and your blood boiled. he didn't bother to look at you nor even didn't react in any pain, just smirked.

"you don't fucking get to play around with me. i don't want to be your stupid fuck outlet or anything!" you yelled and he eyed you, nodding. "want to evaluate on that, sweetheart?" he asked. "there was another girl before me who worked at medbay. and probably more." you answered, your heart aching and you didn't want to show any weakness.

"ah, that girl. want me to be honest with you, doll? there were others, but it was during the time where i was in so much pain, and all of the first order was clawing down my back, to ruin the republic and take over. they expected me to be a high, evil leader and i poured all my pain onto other people." he explained and sighed, rubbing his face with his leather gloves.

"you're still going through that pain? i'm just your fuck thing until you're all healed and good? because i'm really feeling fucking stupid for falling in love with you!" you shouted and covered your mouth, eyes about to pop out of your sockets.

"what did you just say?" he asked and you shook your head, denying you said anything. "i have to go.." you mumbled, walking passed him, but he stopped you in your track, grabbing your arm.

"i don't do love. it's weak and stupid." he whispered in your ear, then letting you go. you stared back at him and tears came down your cheeks. "don't ever talk to me again." you told him and gave him one last smack, storming out of his room and through his level's doors. the guards farewelled you, but you ignored them.

you should've listened to aria. you felt so dumb and naive. your heart always fell for the person who showed you the slightest of their attention, love or touch. but it's because you never had any of that growing up, so when someone did give you that bare minimum, you would drop to your knees for them and get attached, too easily. but you were foolish for being that way with kylo.

aria was right about kylo. he is a cold hearted person. he doesn't care. he doesn't have feelings. he's probably not even human. you sobbed and could barley catch your breath, anxiety filling your body.

you forget your body was coated in his shirt, and you hugged yourself as you sat on the ramp stairs that led down to the docking bay. your sobbed echoed and you stared at the galaxy. you wanted to shoot yourself out into space and forget all this. you wanted to forget kylo and his dumb self. you wanted forget his warm touch, his protective hold around you, his scent and his stupid smirk.

you don't know how long you cried for, but time was passing by slowly and your mind didn't wonder with thoughts or questions anymore. you covered your mouth, silently crying. you didn't want anyone to catch you, when you were out of your quarters and a complete mess.

you felt actual pain in your heart, like a sharp object stabbed through it. you hiccuped, coughed and sobbed. you wish you could go back in time and fix everything.

your head started to hurt and got lightheaded. you brought your knees up to your chest and hugged them, crying your last tears. the last scent to catch your nose was kylo's shirt and you blacked out.