infatuation | kylo ren.

chapter twenty.

AUTHOR'S NOTE - i suggest listening to dandelions by ruth b. on repeat while reading this chapter. it makes it a lot better. enjoy.

you both couldn't sleep. you tried to, it was impossible. "ben?" you whispered. "yeah?" he whispered back, and you turned around, facing him, smiling.

"hi."

"hi, sweetheart."

his hand touched your cheek, thumb stroking it comfortably. the plan would start in motion tomorrow. this could be last time with him, or him with you. you tried to smile, but your lower lip quivered. "ben.. i'm scared." your voice cracked and tears started to pour out, the wrenching feeling of fear consuming you. "hey hey, shh. you're okay. nothing is going to happen, i'll make sure of it." he assured you and kissed your forehead, wiping away your tears.

"i'm scared of losing you." you admitted, your breathing becoming heavy and shaky, the tears wouldn't stop. "you won't lose me, and i won't lose you. we're a dyad in the force, two that are one. together, we can overcome anything and everything." he said and held you close to him, feeling safe in his arms. enjoying this moment and everything before it. you sobbed into his shirt, his other hand stroking your hair and you were sure that your tears were staining his shirt, but he didn't mind.

you could read his mind and feel his energy. he was scared, too, and he didn't show it. he was trying to stay strong for the both of you. a tear fell on top of your head, you felt it.

it was ben's. "i love you." he whispered and kissed the crown of your head, his chin resting on top of it. you never expected this. none of this.

you didn't expect your life to take such a turn. meeting him wasn't regretful, at all. if you hadn't been assigned to take care of him, you wouldn't know that you had a cousin or of your force, due to the bloodline you came from. you wouldn't know that you were capable of such things. you wouldn't have met the man you call the love of your life, risking everything for him. you got to see who kylo ren and ben solo was. they had something in common; vulnerability and able to love, though they don't show it.

kylo ren was a mask for ben solo, though. kylo ren was a mask to protect who ben solo truly was, and you saw behind the mask. you got to know who this man was, and you would do anything to protect him. even if that meant dying for him. in every lifetime, you'd find your way back to him, because you wanted him, only.

but the man holding you wasn't kylo ren anymore. it was ben solo, the person he was and always has been. you knew he had been hearing your thoughts once he started to practically sob. you sat on his lap, bringing him up to you and his face sat on your chest, tears trickling down your shirt. he never had love like this before. no one had ever given him this love, and that broke your heart.

all this man wanted was to be loved and told he was good enough. that he could do anything. that he wasn't bad, just a little lost and broken. that his grandparents and parents do still love him, endlessly.

you didn't know how long he was crying for, but you held him, close to you, almost like as if he was a hostage. "i love you, ben. more than you'll ever know." you told him and he sniffled, nodding. you kissed the side of his head and he smiled small, cheeks red. then silence filled the room, heartbeats and breathing being clear and loud.

"will you marry me?"

this question shocked you. your heartbeat raced and eyes widened. he looked at you and waited for a response. you didn't want anybody else, you were sure of it. you wanted him in every world or universe. you smiled and squealed, the mood being happy suddenly. "yes, yes! i will marry you, ben solo!" you exclaimed and he smiled widely, nodding. you grabbed his face, and kissed him, passionately and slowly. it was comforting and warm. it was love.

he pulled away and his toothy smile appeared, your heart melting. your hands were cupping his cheeks and he was lost in your eyes. his eyes sparkled- he had the whole galaxy in them.

"i am so in love with you." he spoke so softly, and his mind was running with thoughts of you; simply love. he was feeling love and it's like kylo ren had died. like the mask was thrown and smashed into unfixable pieces. kylo ren was gone. ben solo had finally come back into the light.

"i am so in love with you too, ben solo. we're going to be okay, i know it. we have each other."

he smiled and nodded, placing his hands on top of yours, his eyes were glossy, but happy. "you're good enough, and so strong. i'm proud of you." you began, your forehead pressing on his and stared into his eyes still. "you're more than good enough. you're a survivor and a fighter. you're going to be okay, but i will be here to help you heal. heal you from all the pain you've been through. and show you what true love is."

"i know what true love is. i knew what it was when i met you."

you didn't want this night to end. you didn't want to lose him. you didn't want this moment to wash away so quickly. you needed him. you both understood each other. you both were healing one another.

your hands never left his cheeks, taking in every piece of him in. from wounds, scars, freckles, even lips. you took it all in.

the moment was ruined when you heard rey's voice echoing. "oh shit! wait, i'm sorry! i didn't know there was a moment going on! i was just checking in to see if you both were ready?" she asked, her face apologetic. you chuckled and sniffled, wiping away the remaining of your tears.

"yeah. i'll let you know when it's go time once the bombs are planted and we leave. we'll see you on the base tomorrow." you said and she nodded, smiling. "sounds good. enjoy this moment, just in case." she last said and in a blink of an eye, she was gone.

"she's kind of dumb." you muttered and ben chuckled, nodding. his smile never left his face, not even for a spare second.

"i love you, ben solo."

"i love you as well, sweetheart."