The Boy and his Beast

22. The part of me that loves him

(Kellan's POV) 

The night is bleeding into a soft morning as I stare at the grey wall on the other side of the bedroom. Ben is tense, like a tembling bunny in my arms and I can tell he doesn't want to be there. The sensible part of me wants to let him go but the part of me that loves him can't release him. 

I'm frightened. 

I'm resting against the headboard of the bed and Ben is curled up between my legs and held in place by my hands. He's limp like a withered flower but still on edge. My arms hug him fiercly so that he can't go. 

I don't know how I made him feel safe with me before. Right now it feels like nothing but a memory of an illusion, as he radiates pain and unease. 

I don't want the day to come yet, but the sun is already letting it's first red and orange fingers flow down the bedroom wall. I want to hear him say that it's OK, even though I know he won't. I take a deep breath, ready to speak. 

"I don't wanna talk about it..." Ben suddenly mumbles, with a surprisingly hoarse voice. 

"Baby... we have to talk about it" I urge softly, caressing his arm with my thumb. He doesn't answer me. "I know... that it feels difficult right now, but it will get better" I promise, trying to find the words to sooth him. 

"No. It's not difficult right now. It's horrible. It will always be horrbile! You think you can fix me but this is beyond your brute ability" he hisses and pulls in an angry sob. 

"I don't believe that, but even if that's so, you won't be alone. I'm here and I will carry half of the horror if you let me. Just tell me about it, please" I plead. He moves in my grip, trying to wriggle out of it. 

"Benjamin... what's wrong?" I beg against his hair. It smells like sweat but I like his scent. 

"I deamed about my mother" he tells me reluctantly. 

"What happened?" 

"She... left me with the humans. I was thrown into the system but... it was inevitable for the warewolf side to show. When it did I just ran. I was a lone stray for months" he tells me and my heart is pierced by the thought of him on his own. 

"And then the Hellhounds found you?" I ask carefully, happy that he's telling me. 

"Mhm" he hums sadly. He's very still but I can feel his heart rate picking up. 

"Ben?" 

He doesn't answer. I can feel his grip on my arm tighten. He starts to rock himself in my arms and suddenly spasms. His little chest gasps for air and a tiny whimper escapes him. I lean him backwards and his face is twisted in torment. 

"Benjamin, please. It's OK. I'm right here. No one will hurt you. I love you so much, please..." I chant and kiss his forhead. 

With a paind gasp he returns to me and I can't do anything but hold him as he sobs loudly against my chest. His body shakes from the crying and he's gripping my shirt. 

"I'm so sorry. I wish none of this would have happened. I'm so sorry" I murmur. 

"I'm sorry too" he cries. "It just hurts so bad I had to do something. I want to be good, I really do. I'm sorry." 

I shush him and comfort him, telling him that everything's fine. We've worked up some kind of a routine for this. 

When his tears fade into shaky breaths he mumbles something inaudible. 

"What did you say, baby?" I ask and he draws another shallow breath. 

"I want to search for my mother" he says.