May

Thirteen

I walk into the café and people are giving me weird looks. Probably because I am wearing a shirt, four sizes too big and my eyes look red and puffy.

"You look like your ninth cat died this week." Noah says as he sits next to me in the café.

"I think it is my eleventh one. I am exhausted."

I am helping Melody where she needs it but trying not to over exert myself as Josh would kill Noah.

I have been a crying mess because the doctor told me that John has no hope of surviving. John is slowly dying and he doesn't know it. The doctors said to visit him often and that is what I intend on doing.

At first I was confused as to why I am crying but in the short space that I had known John he became a sort of father figure and that is what hurts. He has no children and no family so I wonder what will happen to the café.

I cried for three hours straight. The uncertainty ahead is what made it last so long. I am crying because I know the lifestyle Josh leads and it is not a pretty sight. I'm crying because at some point I am going to leave my mom and I don't want to do that but for her safety I have to. I am anxious about my fight on Friday.

I need to tell Josh about it. I feel like delaying it till Thursday but that is not right, I will tell him when we get home.

I started calling his house, my home. My house, is just that but his house is my home because that is where my heart is. Well my heart is with a certain man and he is my home.

The heavens know that if he said that he was going to Europe I would go with him in a heartbeat. It's dangerous, this is dangerous but I can not stop, love is an addiction and I am it's addict. I yearn for his touch, I ache for his presence. The man does not know what he does to me but it is not safe, it is not meant to happen to people like us.

We are beautiful on the outside and empty on the inside hoping for someone to fill us.

Do you feel empty?

I... I don't, not when I am with him, it is like he fills the void without doing much because he forces me to fill the void myself. He supports me and that is amazing to see but that alone can not sustain a relationship. What we have is going to be short lived and when we leave each other, it is going go hurt.

I try to take my mind off of things and tidy the office. I try to help Melody but Noah is not giving in so I am enjoying two muffins, six cupcakes and three slices of cake.

People must think I am crazy but I'm going through a lot. I look at the cake and remember when John was teaching me to bake. I laugh and I start crying as I eat.

"Shh, why you crying? Is it PMS?" I shake my head still crying and I can nearly contain myself.

"N...Noah, ca...can y...yo...y...you bring me my things to the office I am going to wash my face." I say the last bits paced and taking long breaths.

"Sure thing." You would swear that I am pregnant or on my period but I am not, I just keep a lot in when I should be letting go. I have no one to confide in and thus I keep it in. I feel like a burden to the people around me and more so now that I am 'sick' and Josh's orders say that I am to be pampered.

Noah brings in my things and even a can of Coke.

"Thanks Noah." I smile weakly and continue eating.

"You okay?" He asks worried about me. It's irritating me because right now I want to be alone.

"Yeah. I am great. Noah, can you leave me alone for a minute?" He looks at me for a moment asking if he could trust me to do that. I feel like he can see into my soul

"Sure." He says walking out but giving me one last look.

I stare at the walls, I think. I think about all the things I have done right and others I have done wrong. I do this a lot when I am at ops.

I release a shaky breath. I try to imagine myself away from here. I get a pain in my chest at the thought of committing suicide.

What would happen to Josh, to Dylan, to Noah, to my mom?

For the first time their lives matter more than mine, it's actually not all of them just one. I don't want to admit it but it's true.

"Baby?" Josh? He is supposed to be at work. I stand up and open the door of the office and find him by the door.

"You are supposed to be at work?" He pulls me closer.

"I heard that you were not okay. What is not right?" I look at him and I want to tell him.

"Nothing." I really do but I can not. I think about him leaving when he hears and I don't want this to end so soon.

"You want to talk about it at home?"  He is adamant and I have to tell him something, just not everything.

"I would like that." I grab my plate and fork from the table. He has my phone and we walk out.

"Noah will lock up, Melody, you can close the shop at three." I say as that is the time her shift ends. There is one hour and forty five minutes left. Josh leads me to his car and are on our way to his house.

"Can we stop for snacks?" I need the comfort of food. It never lets me down, it is never disappointed in me, it loves me back.

"Sure." He say trying to figure out what I mean. I am a mess, I am trying to figure myself out and Josh needs someone more mature and secure.

We stop at a garage and we walk in and I grab all the snacks I can see that I like. He grabs a bottle of vodka. We make our way to the counter and it is a middle aged woman she looks at me with the same eyes my mom gives me when I cry. I want to cry right now because of those eyes.

I hold myself. I try to pay but Josh beats me to it. He even grabs my bags for me. I help him load them. We don't speak a word, no thank you uttered because we are speaking with our eyes and slight touchs.

We walk into the house, he puts the plastics in the kitchen. He pours his vodka into a drinking glass and puts juice with it. I grab my plastic of chips and sweets and I go to his room. I sit on the bed and I wait for him. He walks in with two cans of coke and his glass and the bottle in his armpit. I grab the bottle and put it on the night stand I grab the cans next and I put them on the night stand.

He takes off his pants and shirt and changes into sweatpants, only. 

"Baby?" He says as he sits on the bed.
"You going to just stare at me?" I could do it all night.

"No, Josh, this... I... please don't judge me... like..." I can not find a way to utter those words, four words.

"Nothing can lessen the love I have for you." Doubt it. I take a deep breath in and say them

"I am a streetfighter." I said them and he looks so composed, I wait for his anger.

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Author's Note

-Thank you for reading
- Please feel free to comment and vote
- Stay safe❤

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