Meant for Me | ✔️

31) let me try

Thursday 7th September.

Z A C

The house wasn't right without her. It was too quiet, there weren't enough books lying around, the scent of her body wash didn't float through the halls after her. It was hollow and I knew it was what I deserved, but it was still an ache that I detested. I'd reacted so damn badly to the news that she was pregnant.

It wasn't as if I hate kids, I want to be a father one day. Hell, I'd go as far as to say that having kids with Addie would be something I've thought about and I've known her for a month. That can't be normal but I haven't known normal since I met her.

She changed everything. Made me question everything. Seeing a future with a woman had never felt so secure until she came along and suddenly, the thought of her pregnant with someone else's child, threatened what I'd been building with her.

But after a few days of thinking about how I'd reacted, how I'd basically ruined everything because I flew off the deep end, I'd never hated myself more. So what if she was pregnant to someone else? I didn't even let her explain what the situation was. What if she didn't know the father or what if he was an asshole?

Addie wasn't manipulative. Sure, we hadn't known each other long, but I knew that as much as I knew grass was green, she wasn't manipulative and I accused her of attempting to find herself a baby daddy. It made me sick. 

And then there was Willa. I ran my hands across my face when I thought about how this impacted Willa now that Addie was gone. She was just getting to know her birth mother and I knew how much that meant to her. Watching them together made me believe with absolute certainty that Addie didn't end up here on accident. Of all the places she could have gone after her sister died, of all the small towns, of all the police officers that could have found her on the side of the road, it was just too big to be a coincidence. God brought her here and I didn't doubt that one bit. 

Part of me wondered if Addie was still around. What if she'd remained in town so that she could be close to Willa? It wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that. After all, I knew that Addie wanted Willa in her life more than anything. I sprung up from my bed where I'd been sulking in solace for the last few days and pulled on a fresh t-shirt. I hadn't heard from Raine in a while, which made me think she could know where Addie was. If Addie had asked my sister to keep quiet about where she was, my sister would keep quiet. That was the sort of person she was. Especially if she knew about how I'd treated Addie. 

I ran downstairs and swiped the truck keys off the kitchen island, almost missing dad, who was in his own world as usual. He stared out of the window above the sink, watching Midge and Toto tug on either end of a rope in the back garden. What I would do to see Addie out there, tenderly caring for the plant life. 

"Heading out, pops."

"Hang on," he said, his voice far more present than his expression had led me to believe. I came up short as he turned around and fixed me with a no nonsense stare. "You finally joining the land of the living then?" 

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean."

Dad often seemed a lot older than he was, I mean, he wasn't young, but grief and years of hard work had done a number on him and the way that he hobbled and stared out at nothing, aged him drastically. 

His dark brown skin was great, even after all the sun, he'd aged well. So when he fixed me with the same look that I received as a disobedient child, eyes piercing and brows pulled, he reminded me of the man he once was, doing his best to raise me into the man I am now. It was definitely not his fault that I turned out to be an assumptive fuck though.