outerbanks imagines.

two different worlds-topper

when y/n l/n stepped outside the precinct,
now a free woman,
she was finally able to stretch her sore limbs that had been confined to a single position almost all night.
"god, i thought you had died in there!"
kie exclaims upon seeing y/n after hours apart.
the girl rushes to y/n and brings her into a tight hug that feels warm with belonging.
except y/n doesn't know how to accept it or how to return the gesture.
so instead,
she stands awkwardly in this embrace and laughs.
"i'm fine. nothing i haven't been through before."
at the reminder,
kie pulls away and holds y/n's arms to keep her still.
she's growing serious now.
"you've got to grow up now, y/n. you can't keep getting arrested for petty shit."
y/n has heard it time and time again.
she knows this already,
why can't they just save their breath?
"please spare the lecture, kie. i'm tired and i have a headache."
kie bares those eyes of solemnity into y/n,
which makes her sigh and say,
"i appreciate your care. seriously. but my mother will be sure to tell me the same. don't waste your time."
"you think i'm wasting my time saying this when really, it's your time being wasted. what do you plan to do from inside a cell, y/n?"
y/n rubs her eyes of the rising frustration inside of her.
"i dunno, kie."
"exactly. matter of fact, quit wasting everyone's time by doing these childish things because one day, nobody will come to bail you out."
the words stun y/n some.
like a piercing through her heart;
a dart thrown by her friend to stab the flesh of herself.
she knows it to be true,
she knows all that kie is saying is necessary,
but still...
it hurts y/n to hear it so bluntly;
to be put so simply when it is anything but simple.
"okay, kie. i'll keep the charges to a minimum. are you done?"
"i'm just asking you to be responsible...please."
the last word sounds desperate.
it shrivels y/n's aching heart which has suffered enough for one day.
"yes ma'am."
is all y/n can say.
with that,
kie's expression softens and she gives her friend another hug.
they make their way to the chateau in a car of silence.
y/n doesn't have anything to say and neither does kie.
it seems they've spoken enough for today.
of course,
the awkwardness between her and her caring friend soon fades upon their arrival.
"there's our girl! fresh outta holding,"
jj cheers with nearly maniacal laughter.
it isn't long until a drink is placed into her grip.
she can't help but to spill over with laughter.
it feels nice to be welcomed home with open arms without any expectations or disagreements.
just old fashioned drunken fun.
jj takes to y/n's side,
slinging an arm around her neck and bringing her close to his chest.
there is something primal rising inside of her at this close proximity.
and when she looks into his eyes,
she swears she sees it in him too;
the need to rush off into secrecy and unfold into one another,
to become his as he would become hers.
this is as far as her emotions can extend,
in the form of lust and obsession.
it is all her diet consists of.
y/n doesn't know what it means to be in love or to receive it,
she doesn't know how to console those who cry or even how to spill her own tears.
simply put,
y/n l/n is an angry, passionate woman.
this is all she knows.
but here she stands in the arms of the boy who could potentially be claimed as hers.
she waits for the moment they can be together.
perhaps,
if y/n allows herself to think hopefully,
that jj could teach her what it means to be in love.
but what does wishful thinking ever really achieve?
nothing.
y/n is being shown that now.
as soon as jj detached himself from her neck and left her in a swarming blush,
covering every inch of her skin,
he took to kie and found better interest in her.
and why wouldn't he have?
kie wears her emotions on her face;
clean, cut, concise.
she is someone with a future.
someone who can nurse his wounds in a way y/n never could.
y/n does not express herself,
she thinks emotions make her weak.
so she lets herself sit in ache,
rot away in sorrow,
until it, of course, festers into anger.
that is an emotion she can voice.
in all its aggression and blackened beauty.
this sight makes her heart hurt yet again.
a day of celebration has turned sour as she is forced to face the truth:
jj will never be hers.
y/n doesn't wear this sorrow on her face.
like any normal person who might voice this loss by leaving or simply letting a few tears fall,
she instead bites her lip until blood has been drawn.
even then,
she scurries off to the restroom without turning any heads.
her small refuge in the bathroom doesn't last long.
john b rests himself on the doorframe of the opened bathroom door and asks,
"what happened?"
then points to her lip.
she's monotone when she answers,
"bit my lip too hard."
"how'd that happen?"
"i don't know....bit it too hard?"
john b laughs and gives his head a shake.
"smart ass."
y/n returns the laughter.
she thinks for a second that his company won't be too bad,
until he gives jj and kie a look and sighs.
"who would've thought they'd be so cute together?"
"right? never saw that coming,"
she says with a grimace.
john b has always had a way of seeing past her facade.
she isn't sure when it happened or when he grew so fluent in the language of her unspoken words,
but he knows.
y/n knows he knows,
she can see it in his raised eyebrows.
"you know...the one thing people seek most in others is vulnerability. something to make them equals."
"right,"
y/n says without much thought.
"i know you say you don't care for love, but i think it's bullshit. everyone wants to love and be loved. point is...to find it, you'll have to let that guard down. not everyone can see past it like your dear friend john b."
y/n scoffs at this.
she hurries to finish with her lip before saying,
"i won't be committed until i've traveled the whole world. men liked to be tied down, they're looking for mothers, not wives. i'd rather live a life alone then be forced to settle for something i don't want."
"who said anything about settling?"
"everyone has to settle,"
y/n finishes as she pushes past john b to return to the party that suddenly feels too suffocated in.
that alongside the ringing words of john b,
y/n feels like she can't catch her breath.
so she rises to her feet,
rubs her perspiring palms on her jeans and looks at everyone but jj and kie.
"i'm gonna head out. long day. i'll see you guys later?"
kie pulls away from jj's attention long enough to wish her friend a farewell,
but y/n can hardly return it without feeling nauseous.
this is not kie's or jj's fault,
that much should be noted.
if y/n might have been vocal about her liking for jj,
kie would have respected it and even helped y/n achieve this relationship.
or if she weren't a coward,
she might have told jj himself and wished for the best.
instead,
they have found each other and named y/n an outsider.
y/n walks until she can't anymore.
she isn't sure where her legs are taking her,
but anywhere outside is fine with her.
after some time of this distracted walking,
she finds herself taking a seat on the edge of the pier.
she can't help but to look down and wonder what it would be like to take flight;
to be carried by something other than this burden.
"i just wish it was easy,"
she whispers to herself as she closes her eyes,
listening to the waves crash.
how comforting it is.
"me and you both."
the abrupt voice makes y/n flinch.
she wonders if she's imagined it up,
or if maybe the skies have cracked open and god himself has come to talk.
instead,
she finds topper thorton by her side.
quite the opposite of god,
but company nonetheless.
"you scared me,"
she admits.
he chuckles and brings the beer can to his lips.
"sorry 'bout that,"
y/n can tell he's drunk.
it's a rare occurrence the two ever cross paths,
much less offer conversation with one another.
there's an unspoken promise between their friend groups to hate each other.
y/n never understood it,
the pogues verses kooks idea,
it felt trivial.
but still,
she obliged up until now.
bad company is still company.
"beer?"
topper offers to breach the silence,
handing her a can straight from the cooler.
she takes it with a thank you.
as she slowly sips it,
she never lets her eyes trail away from him.
y/n is quiet until she can't take it anymore.
"why are you out here so late?"
"thinking, drinking...you?"
"yeah, me too."
topper finally turns to meet her gaze,
where she's left to see the bloodshot eyes he owns shining in the moonlight.
"you okay, topper?"
y/n doesn't know why she asked,
because what good could she do?
it just felt like the right thing to do.
topper falls silent for a moment.
like the words might be twisting and turning in his mouth,
trying to find their right sequence through his drunken stupor.
he then laughs and says,
"you're cute. did you know that?"
"okay, wow. you're drunk,"
she states.
y/n can feel her cheeks rise with heat but she isn't sure why.
"no, seriously. you're really pretty. i just...never noticed it before."
"i would assume, seeing as you're madly in love with sarah cameron."
"yeah, well,"
he begins while crushing the can in his hand.
y/n can sense something is off but it is not her place to ask,
so she doesn't.
instead,
she wonders something different,
"what's it like to be in love?"
topper brings the night air into his lungs and ponders this question.
"i don't know. it's not something you realize is happening 'till it's too late. it's sweet, though. makes you feel good. makes you feel nice. then it's all over and everything that was wrong with you is worse and the world sucks."
y/n wonders what it would be like to experience something as huge and influential as love,
only to have it end so quickly and painfully.
she watches the rise and fall of the waves and when she asks,
"so...i take it y'all broke up?"
"something like that..she cheated."
"oh."
is all she can mutter.
she doesn't know how to comfort him.
this is all foreign to her,
especially to someone she has never had contact with before.
she wants to help,
but the words will not materialize.
"it sucks, you know? to put your all into someone, to help them be greater, only for them to find someone better."
it seems their heartfelt situations are near the same.
though y/n can't imagine the betrayal he feels,
considering jj was never truly hers,
but she knows how it feels to be left abandoned.
"i understand."
y/n sighs as she takes another sip of the drink in her hand.
she needs something to distract herself.
"what happened with you?"
"oh. just the same old stuff."
"like?"
topper asks.
he wants her to dig deeper,
to explain her hurt.
topper wants to help;
he wants to feel significant in someway.
because if sarah cameron found him useless,
maybe he can prove himself worthy now.
but y/n knows better than to trust anyone,
especially a kook.
does he take her for a fool?
someone who is desperate for listeners so she'll spill her soul for his drama?
y/n would rather jump from this pier than to risk that.
"so, sarah cameron cheated? with who?"
y/n asks to deflect.
topper doesn't press it,
instead he answers.
because unlike her,
he is an open book just dying to be read.
topper wants—no needs someone to listen.
"john b."
y/n nearly chokes on her drink.
this is new information.
"jesus...you're kidding, right?"
"i sure wish i was."
he looks at his hands that are now folded in his lap.
y/n searches for the words and finally says,
"well, at least you know now what kind of person she is. you can look forward and find better. way better."
the words are heavy in the air,
tinged with wrongness.
her heart is racing in her chest at this useless piece of advice she's offered.
but if topper notices the oddness of her words,
he says nothing.
"do you really think i'll find better?"
y/n relaxes a little then nods.
"definitely."
***
topper and y/n make it a habit to meet at the pier in the darkened hours of the night.
she'll listen to topper talk about the aches in his chest,
and y/n works on offering advice.
she kind of likes it,
if she's being honest,
being this useful in a time of someone's needed help.
she won't admit it out loud,
but it resonates deep inside her;
she is useful.
"you don't talk about your feelings much, do you?"
topper asks tonight.
they're sitting rather close to each other and passing a joint she managed to score from john b.
she figures it's payment for being a homewrecker.
y/n takes it into her lips,
inhales,
feels the smoke rise to her head,
and relaxes.
then she answers,
"nope. not ever."
"why not?"
y/n doesn't really know if she's being honest.
she just doesn't.
but as she watches topper take a pull of the smoking plant,
she realizes how brave he's been.
he trusted her,
someone who could have exploited his pain and sorrow,
and he found comfort in her.
y/n decides to be honest when she says,
"explaining your hurt doesn't really solve anything. it just gives people an idea on how to make your hurt worse. they take your past experiences, the things you've been through, your traumas, and they twist it to make you suffer."
topper sits silent for a couple minutes.
"you've been burned a couple times, huh?"
she shrugs.
"to say the least."
"i know we're from two different worlds, y/n, but i'm here for you. as weird as it is to admit, you've been a great help to me. i want to be be able to say i helped you too. just...trust me? i know it's asking for a lot, but it'll be worth it. work with me, yeah?"
y/n smiles a sad smile.
she can see topper's shoulders,
that were once raised with possibility,
now deflate.
"i do appreciate it, topper, really. but i just don't do feelings."
"because you don't understand them?"
he counters.
y/n doesn't understand them.
but she won't admit that.
instead,
she changes the direction of the conversation,
"i'm glad to know i've been some kind of help to you. i don't hear that often. if you'll let me, i'd love to keep listening to you."
topper passes her the last smoke available in their joint then nods with half lidded eyes.
"sounds good to me."
the two sit in silence for the rest of the night.
they're just glad they're not alone.
***
y/n has been waiting for topper for nearly two hours now.
it seems he's stood her up tonight.
at the thought of this,
she laughs at herself with the shake of her head.
topper does not owe her the time of day.
the fact they have even made it this far into their friendship is miracle enough,
why must she make it into something more than that?
even though she knows she's being stood up,
y/n doesn't move from her spot.
she's clinging onto some small hope she's salvaged.
"sorry i'm late! got stuck sneaking out. cameras
and all that."
y/n turns to the voice and feels relief bloom throughout her.
why had she been so tense when waiting?
why had she been waiting at all?
between the time of their first meeting and now,
y/n has seemed to grow comfortable with topper.
so she smiles widely as he takes his designated seat beside her.
"i didn't think you'd come."
it's the closest thing topper has heard to a confession from y/n.
"i didn't think you'd wait."
"i didn't either."
topper hopes tonight is the night she talks.
he's been praying for this moment because he wants so bad to be her crutch;
he wants to cradle her wounds as well as she's done for him.
"i'm glad you did though."
"me too."
topper smiles then slowly reaches out to embrace her,
but finds the action to be something odd.
so he stops himself and let's the silence envelope them.
then in the silence,
she speaks,
"jj doesn't want me and i think it's too hard for me to admit that."
y/n is stunned with herself.
yet,
she cannot stop what has already started.
"he's happy with kie and i need to accept that but it's so hard for me to. because i feel like i'll also have to admit i'm not right for anyone. and that's...terrifying."
"you can't control the uncontrollable, y/n. as much as we want to. but...i don't think that makes you unfit for anyone. you're just not the right match for jj."
"yeah.."
topper goes to say something more,
to offer her peace from her thoughts,
but he's interrupted by the rolling of thunder and the falling of the rain.
the suddenness of it take the pair by surprise,
making y/n squeal with surprise but still laugh.
topper is in a state of amazement.
y/n looks so beautiful in this moment where she is showering in the rain.
how could anyone deny her anything?
how could anyone turn away from her?
he's finding it hard to gather the strength to turn away.
doesn't she know how lovely she is?
the divinity she possesses?
y/n soon takes topper's hand into hers and yells over his loud thoughts of admiration,
"come on!"
they find shelter from the rain in his car,
where he blasts the heat to warm their frigid skin up.
after a few minutes pass,
they realize the rain has no intentions of stopping.
topper doesn't want to leave now,
not when they're so close to advancing into something great.
so he turns to her and asks,
"do you want to go back to my place?"
y/n raises her eyebrows at his question,
the insinuation clear on her face.
topper shakes his head and clarifies,
"to talk. get your head out of the gutter."
y/n laughs along with him before she nods her head.
"yeah, i'd love to."
topper is elated to hear this,
so he wastes no time driving them towards his house.
when they arrive,
y/n accepts his help to climb through his window and into his room.
she has never anticipated standing foot in topper thorton's, king of the kooks, room.
at first,
she feels slightly out of place.
like a girl playing dress up in a life that will never be hers.
but all of that dissipates as soon as topper's eyes fall on her.
she can't explain it,
but y/n knows that he wants her to be here.
so she will stay.
"your room is nice,"
she whispers as she runs her hands across his soft sheets.
topper thanks her with a small laugh as he digs through his drawers.
he then retrieved dry clothes and tosses them her way.
"get warm. i'll be out where when you're done."
y/n waits until he's out of the room to begin peeling the clothes from her skin.
she's never been a modest girl,
but something about topper makes her rather shy.
she doesn't want to do anything to push him away,
so she keeps herself in check.
when she throws his sweatshirt on,
she lets out a laugh at how low it hangs.
she doesn't bother with the sweatpants he's offered.
y/n knows they will not fit.
before she tells topper she's finished,
she allows herself to survey his room.
there are tons of trinkets lying around that bring light to his personality.
some of these things she might have never figured out had she not looked,
such as his calendar that is filled with events.
he is a busy man with a busy life,
and has still made time for her.
this makes her heart swell.
y/n decides to quit now before she crosses any boundaries,
then opens the door to let topper know.
he returns to the bedroom and lets his eyes gloss over her.
topper is filled to the brim with some sort of bliss at the sight of her,
comfortable in his clothes and trusting in his room.
he will do nothing to betray this.
"thank you. for-for everything. the clothes, being so nice to me."
topper gives her a smile.
"it's the least i could do."
y/n returns the smile then goes to lay herself in his bed.
she can't quite help it,
it's practically calling her name in the form of silk sheets and softened pillows.
topper follows her actions then waits until she's comfortable to ask,
"you were saying earlier?"
"oh...i don't know. jj's just not the one for me and that's okay... it'll be okay one day."
"yeah. you'll find someone worth it."
"will i though? i'm so emotionally closed off and chasing something dangerous that, really, nobody wants anything to do with me. i can't say i blame them. as soon as someone gets close, i push them away. i've got too much baggage for anyone to handle."
she turns to face topper and there,
he sees the tears welling in her eyes.
y/n has hardly cried in private,
but especially not in front of someone else.
yet,
topper makes it so easy to do just that.
they spill over when y/n admits,
"i don't think i'll find anyone who wants to put up with me."
is this vulnerability john b had been talking of?
if so,
he was wrong.
y/n doesn't feel equal to topper now,
she feels burdening.
somehow though,
it fades when topper pulls her into him.
the tears will not stop.
they have been building for what feels to be decades,
and now they are being set free.
topper accepts her into himself and soothes her as best as he can with just a simple embrace.
he doesn't know that it is the exact kind of thing y/n needs in this moment,
he is just following the calling of his limbs.
"you're so resilient, y/n. in spite of all that you've been through, look at how strong you've turned out. but still...someone should have protected you and loved you the way you deserve to be. i'm sorry everyone let you down. you are absolutely lovable. you are near perfect. do not sell yourself short."
topper feels her cry a little harder at this.
he worries that what he's said has done nothing but made her hurt worse;
pressing on a bruise.
but he's reassured when y/n pulls him in tighter and says,
"thank you."
topper can't explain it,
it just feels right to do so.
he kisses the top of her head and lets his hands caress her back.
"you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. it's time to let it go."
and y/n does just that.
she lets it go,
allows herself to exist in this moment with topper,
and soon she falls asleep in the arms of the boy who lives on the other end of the island.
***
now she remembers why she doesn't cry.
the throbbing ache that follows in her temples is not worth it.
though if she's being honest,
she feels a little lighter.
like a century old burden has been lifted from her chest;
like she is atlas and she has been freed from holding up the world.
upon seeing topper sound asleep beside her,
she feels soft inside.
then her thoughts shift and she's left to wonder:

what if he uses this against you?
what if he tells his friends what you said and they laugh?
what if he thinks you're too much?

leave it to her mind to ruin the one good night she's had in years.
y/n rushes to her feet and exhales the words,
"shit, shit, shit."
topper hears the shuffling of the girl and rises to consciousness.
"good morning,"
he says while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
y/n stops collecting her stuff long enough to stare at him with rounded, sad eyes and say,
"topper, you cannot tell anyone about what happened last night. please promise me yo-"
"y/n, relax."
she stops her rambling long enough to listen to him.
he then reaches out for her and brings her back into his arms,
where she feels light again.
what is it about him that makes her feel so good?
"what happened is between us. okay? you can trust me."
y/n sighs a sigh of relief.
his words are genuine;
she doesn't have to fear him.
"thank you for being here for me. i'm sure it was messy."
"be as messy as you want, y/n. i'm not going anywhere."
has anyone ever made such a promise to her?
even a friend?
she tries to comb her mind back and remember,
but she draws a blank.
topper is offering something great for y/n.
she'd be a fool not to accept it.
so she withers away into his arms and doesn't let go.
not that topper would want to let her go anyways.
he doesn't want to admit it,
but he's falling for her.
harder than he's ever fallen before.
***
topper and y/n continue to keep each other company,
though away from the pier.
y/n is now quite the guest into his bedroom,
where they spent hours laughing quietly,
digesting snacks of no good health,
and eventually finding good sleep tangled into each other's arms.
though that's as far as they've gotten.
tonight is a bit different.
the pair are sitting on his roof,
staring at the night sky that has blessed them with the shine of the stars.
y/n had been talking about the reason she keeps getting herself in trouble,
to stay entertained and away from home.
she's never admitted it to herself,
but it feels good to hear the truth aloud.
"you're a beautiful and smart girl who has so much to offer to this world, y/n. don't sell yourself short. i can't...i can't imagine what it's like to have lived through all that you did, but that doesn't make you someone unsuccessful or unloveable. there's so much in the world, so much future left for you. the past is only a small fraction of who we are."
"what makes you say that?"
"say what?"
topper inquires.
"say that i'm beautiful and have so much to offer."
he turns to face her then brings their hands together.
"are you kidding? look at you, y/n...you're fantastic. you could be someone's muse. if i had any talent, i'd write ballads in your honor. and you're so thoughtful, so genuine, so loving...the world is lucky
to have someone like you. everyone will be better for it."
y/n knows her eyes are wide right now.
"wow...i don't think anyones ever thought of me that way."
"no, no one's ever seen you that way. there's a difference. i didn't conjure this up about you. does that make sense?"
y/n shrugs.
"hardly."
"basically i'm saying nobody's ever said this to you because they've never been fortunate enough to see it. if they just looked past the surface, they'd see you for all the beauty that you are. i just had to look a little harder than most, i didn't make this up about you."
y/n doesn't know it,
but somehow her and topper have inched closer together.
"you're absolutely heavenly. don't let anyone convince you otherwise,"
he says in a soft whisper,
using the index finger of his free hand to caress her cheek.
she falls sheepish under his touch then brings their connected hands to her chest,
where topper can feel the quickened beating of her heart.
"can i kiss you?"
topper asks with his eyes still locked to hers.
"i'd want nothing more."
the space between them is closed and y/n is engulfed into pure delight.
she has never felt such pleasure,
never been shown such passion,
and she loves it.
y/n washes away all the error that's been ingrained into her through topper's kiss;
she is being reborn.