outerbanks imagines.

sad days (pt2)-pope

i can't stomach to see him.
the mere thought of him is enough to send my stomach twisting into knots,
never to be untied.
seeing him will only worsen this pain in my chest that seems to find home in every crevice of my body.
in my hands that once offered guidance and company to popes hands,
in my lips that pope once said were gods greatest gift,
in my cheeks who will never feel the caress of pope heyward again.
i am a woman of wounds.
i am coming undone.
i am trying to escape someone who has ingrained themselves into my living.
his picture on my nightstand standing untouched,
the lock screen of us, still so in love, has yet to be changed,
the notes he's written me lying in piles on the floor.
this is penance for the sins i have made.

"hey. u ok?
haven't seen you around in a while
miss u :("

how can i explain this to kie?
are there words sufficient enough to explain the shredding of my soul?
no,
i don't think there are.
i am left to drown in this agony alone.

"yea, sorry
i'll be okay.
see u soon
miss and love u <3"

i remember sitting poolside with pope just months ago.
while we laid submerged to just our necks,
he tangled his hands into mine and promised me a future worth looking forward to.
he promised a life i had never quite imagined for myself until then.
the thought of it filled me up on elation,
but now it just seems to crush my heart a little more.
anymore damage and i fear my body might quit on me.
i don't think i am equipped to handle this much ache.
it has to end eventually,
right?
or will my breathing be over by then?
will i have preferred the sweet release over this excruciating heartbreak?
i'm considering it now.
i can feel myself deteriorating with each passing second.
and pope?
he's probably at home,
a little upset about our situation like he gets upset about failed tests:
sad, a little frustrated, but over it within hours.
will he understand how i feel right now?
how it feels like my heart has been ripped clean from the cavity of my chest and left abandoned?
unlikely.
i am not trying to make myself the victim here.
i know what i have done is unforgivable.
this is what i deserve for indulging in my vices of no good deeds.
but still...
i am a girl who is being pulled apart stitch by stitch;
i am hollow.

"wanna hangout w us tn?"

"nahh.
i'm okay,
thank you though!"

"pope isn't here"

i deserve time with my friends just as well as pope does.
he's spent his time with them,
isn't it fair i get my share too?
i need an escape from this padded room of broken promises.

"okay.
i'll be there soon"

for the first time in hours,
i climb from my bed and find solace in the grounding beneath my feet.
i am alive.
it seems comedic to think something as simple as a breakup can make you feel barren within.
but here i am:
pretending to be alive when i feel rotten inside.
i shower away all these thoughts because they will only tarnish my night.
i scrub my skin free of pope's touch,
but still that is not enough.
it remains there;
he calls and my body will answer.
i apply light makeup to make myself feel lighter,
and i find clothes that ignite the spark of the girl i was.
though i do not feel like her right now,
i know she's in me somewhere,
waiting to be pulled to the surface.
when i soon enter the chateau,
i can't help but to smile at my friends.
it's wonderful.
"y/n! my god, you're alive,"
jj exclaims with his infamous laughter.
kie smacks him in the back of his head after his insensitive comment,
but i only laugh.
how can i do anything else?
"i'm alive. worry not, i'm here,"
i reassure with a grin to help ease them.
i do not want to be seen as this broken girl in need of pity.
i am not innocent in our situation and i will not pretend to be.
i will sink away in my own grief when i am alone.
john b passes me a cool drink,
the condensation rolling in beads off of the cup and into my lap.
i thank him before i begin drinking.
familiar liquor.
oh, how i've missed this.
but my victory is short lived.
i think i'm set free until the opening of the door echos and there,
he stands.
"sorry i'm late!"
my body ices over;
every muscle is useless now.
i am nothing but skin and bones,
frozen in place.
"y/n,"
pope mutters.
my name belonging to his voice,
sounding as though it was chosen for his saying,
i could sob.
i could also bend to his will and beg him to release me of this pain,
but i am still in my seat.
"i've been wanting to talk..."
why must he do this now?
in front of everyone who i'm trying to convince that i am okay?
why couldn't he have picked up the phone and done this when i spent my nights crying and wishing for it?
my limbs finally decide to work.
though they awaken in the form of flight.
i rush into the bathroom and lock it without a word.
i rest against the wall and allow just a few tears to slip from my flooded eyes.
"y/n, please just listen to me,"
pope now speaks through the other side of the door.
the hurt in his voice is very evident.
i can't help but to imagine peeling this door open for him.
"go away pope,"
i demand as strongly as i can manage.
but my wavering voice betrays me;
i want him to stay.
"y/n...i'm sorry. i know that means nothing, but i am. i'm so sorry. i've realized what a stupid mistake i made. i don't care about living with my dad anymore. i'll find somewhere else to live. but i cannot find another love like this, y/n. i cannot fathom anyone else. it will always be you. always."
"...why'd you do it pope?"
i ask in a simple whisper.
"i was scared. i didn't want to get kicked out. and i was hurt you lied to me, i was worried you'd get arrested and my dad would be put out of business. but it was cowardly of me to run. you asked me to be patient with you and i should have instead of leaving you. i'll never forgive myself for it. but i just need you to know i'm sorry and that i'm so lost without you, y/n. i am nothing without you or your love."
i let the words rehydrate my sickly skin,
i let them mend my broken bones,
and i let them fill the hole in my heart.
so,
i open the door.
on the other side,
pope is sitting with his back to the wall.
i can see the tears glistening against his cheeks.
"i'm sorry i lied to you and made you fear your dad losing his job. it was sick of me to do something like that. i was stupid."
"we're young, y/n. we're still learning. i should have never held it against you."
i meet pope where he's sitting and decide to rest myself across from him.
i don't know what to expect;
sitting so close to him after so long apart might make this conversation harder to have.
"what are we going to do, pope?"
"i don't know...i just know i want to be with you through whatever happens."
i look at my hands to gather my thoughts.
this is what i have wanted for weeks now.
why am i not jumping at the opportunity?
has my heart suffered that much?
"what about school? your scholarships? your dad?"
"i can manage them, y/n. i've thought this all through, i promise. no matter which way i turn, i know you are in my future. if...if you'd still want to be."
"of course i do,"
i admit with a sigh.
"i just...i'm scared."
pope,
with his hands of serenity,
reaches out for me and i comply.
i am a simple woman who becomes alive on the promise of love.
he holds me gently and says,
"i know. i messed up. i shouldn't have put you through this."
pope lays a gentle kiss to my temple.
"i'm sorry. i'll say it until my tongue bleeds, i'm sorry."
i can feel his racing heart to my cheek,
i can count the seconds between each breath.
pope and i have made our fair share of mistakes.
who am i to hold this against him?
he is risking the entirety of his future to be here with me.
what more could i ask for?
he has made his proclamation of love and apologized profusely.
i would never let pope throw his life away for me,
so i will become better.
i will make myself someone deserving of this shared future together.
i pick my head up and meet his eyes of wonder.
so wide and full of knowledge.
i close the space between us and finally,
we are new.
pope pulls me in closer,
proving to me that his craving for myself has never faltered.
we tangle up into each other until we no longer can,
then we finally pull away.
"i love you,"
he states,
though it sounds more like a promise.
i kiss his chin then return,
"i love you, too."
pope and i hardly have anything figured out.
but with each other,
the impossible seems easier to manage.
i cannot say this will be easy,
because hardly anything is,
but it will be worth it.
we will be sure of that.