Home Sick ~ Joshua Burrage

Chapter 8

"Why?"

Ami frowned. The young girl looking back at her vanished, an illusion from her mind. She took in a shaky breath as she stared at the phone in her hand. Josh's name, the timer recording the amount of time they'd been on a call, her heart beat, everything felt panicked and blurry. All she could muster up was "I don't know" and she felt pathetic, her anxiety gripping at her insides. Why was she like this? She had so much she wanted to say to Josh and now was the perfect time but her body just refused to cooperate.
It was when Josh sighed in disappointment that she felt as if she were pulled out of her body and stuffed back in with a whole new energy and light. She swallowed, though it was difficult from the lump that still remained in her throat. "Josh. I know I shouldn't have run away. I'm not lying when I say I don't know why I did it. I regret it greatly though, everyday I do. You didn't deserve to be victim of my cowardly actions. There is truly no words to redeem myself from my stupid decisions but I do know that loving you was not stupid. Loving you was the best part of my life and I'm so sorry I ruined that for us and I understand if you don't have any desire to forgive me for my actions. I miss you so much and I'm so so sorry."

Josh was silent but Ami could hear the gears turning in his head. She had no purpose for her actions. She was not a raped damsel in distress like many would be lead to believe due to her mentality, no, she was merely a poor anxious girl. A poor anxious girl who didn't realise that she didn't have to worry anymore yet she chose to anyway and it caused her to make stupid choices. She was not perfect nor perfectly imperfect and it sucked. It sucked.

Ami has grown familiar with this feeling. The feeling the world was falling apart. When her parents divorced. When her dad practically ruined his relationship with her. When she got very ill and her friends wouldn't even go near her in fear of catching it no matter how much she insisted she wasn't contagious, which was true. And now here she was with the love of her life who she abandoned on the other side of the phone thinking god knows what about her. She thought meeting the one was supposed to be smooth sailing from then on out but she still had her anxiety, her depression, the looming feeling that she was not good enough. It sucked and she dragged Josh into it and practically drowned him till he felt the same way she did. Was it her jealousy? That he could be so happy when she was so... so miserable?

No. She was happy with him. He made her happy. She threw that away. She was only miserable because she wanted to be, because it was her comfort. It was all she knew and happiness scared her. But why wasn't she scared with Rachel? Why wasn't she scared with Sky and Ben?

Because Josh made her happy in a way they never truly could. They made her happy, but only to an extent.

She held her breath as Josh finally spoke up once more,

"I need some time to think"

I'm having an existential crisis haha yay.
Also sorry for not updating sooner I had this chapter already pre written but stuff kinda went wack