The Heartbreakers Of Avel High

Chapter 11

I was in front of my house just sitting in my car, resting my head against the wheel. I've been sitting there with the car off for almost 30 minutes. My body was cold and shivering but I ignored it.

The numbness surrounding me was starting to thin the longer I thought about the events of the day. Slowly I dragged my cold and aching body out of the car and into our dark house.

I was going through the motions that I usually did. Almost like I had no control of my body. I was just moving at this point, not even sure what I was really doing. Next thing I know I'm walking up the stairs into my bedroom, not even caring to shower tonight.

I kicked my shoes off and laid down on my bed, stomach first. I laid there spread out with my face squished into the mattress until my lungs were desperate for air. I turned my head to the side and gasped, taking in the cold air.

The numbness that covered me like a blanket started to fade as I felt the cold. As I noticed my body shivering and shaking as I laid down. What I think really did it was the picture hanging up on my wall with me, mom, and dad.

I didn't notice I was crying until teardrops fell onto my hands. I miss my mom. I want to see her and tell her all of these things. For her to tell me advice or just listen and soothe me.

Before I realized it I was staring at my mom's contact on my phone. Slowly rising with my sadness and anguish was anger. Why? Why did she leave us? Why did she leave me?

I dropped my phone onto the ground with my shaking hands, unable to actually hold it. I wanted a release. I don't want to think or feel anymore. The girls tormenting me, the memories haunting me, my mother leaving me, my family holding together by a thread, and new guys trying to use me.

Desperate for a release I went to the bathroom, digging through the medicine cabinet. Trying to find my old medicine or at least depressant medicine. Anything to make it stop. To make me feel numb to everything, to make the memories and hurt stop. To be okay.

I grabbed the pill bottle and shook put a few, at the moment not caring. I swallowed them and fell to the ground unable to breathe. My chest started to hurt as I gulped down any air I was able to as the chills went down my body.

I needed to shower. I needed to shower. I felt dirty so utterly dirty, and never able to feel clean. Turning on the water to whatever temp I got in without a care. Boiling water pelted my skin as I scrubbed my flesh until it was red and raw. But it wasn't enough. It was never enough.

I started to cry again as I cradled my arms against my chest that throbbed in pain. I noticed a little sparkle of light in the corner of my eyes and stared at my razor. I wanted a release. My hands twitched wanting to use the blades. As if I was in a trance and it was begging me to use it.

I picked it up craving the familiar sensation it gave me. The relief I felt once it was over. I started to breathe harder and hailed as I threw it at the opposite wall of me. I covered my face with my hands feeling even more broken and out of control. My life was spinning out of control again and there wasn't anything I could do.

I stayed under the brutal spray of water until I felt the familiar sensation of the drug-taking over. Suppressing the feelings I had and leaving me numb again. Comfortable. Tiredness and fatigue washed over me once I entered my room.

It felt like a chore just to put on underwear and a tank top. I fell onto my bed in my darkroom and closed my eyes. Wanting to fall asleep and stay asleep. Never having to deal with people or the memories again. Just in blissful sleep.

*******

I opened my eyes feeling groggy and absolutely awful. The sun was peeking through my curtains making my head hurt even more. The numbness I carried yesterday was thankfully still there. So instead of reliving the events of others, I didn't have to relive my anxiety attack and meltdown.