Raw Line| SVT

16

As soon as he found out about my anxiety attack, probably from Joshua, Seungkwan came over. To be honest, I wasn't expecting anyone to visit me, because I could feel the tension in the air... nothing was calm anymore, not after the race. I didn't expect anyone to take their time in order to come over. I didn't expect anyone to take time to care.

So as soon as I saw Seungkwan standing in the doorstep of Joshua's kitchen, a smile spread on my lips.

"Poor little thing," he beams "do you really have to eat Joshua's porridge? Disgusting-"

"My sister made it, it's good, actually," I say while he steps closer to the table I was eating at.

"That's a relief, his porridge is just... ugh," he says, visibly shivering.

I smile. He sits across from me, watching me carefully as if I was made of glass and I could break if I moved.

"What happened?" He asks.

I shrug.

"An anxiety attack, thought you already knew," I say, sipping on my soup.

He shakes his head calmly.

"I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about what caused it."

I look at him carefully. There was no humour on his face, not even curiosity. As if he knew, but he just wanted to make sure.

"You look like you already know," I say, slightly confused at this new expression I was seeing on Seungkwan's face.

He smiles lightly.

"I don't, I'm just trying not to make you feel uncomfortable," he says and I narrow my eyes.

This was so unlike the person I thought he was. Maybe he was just playing the calm guy in order not to scare me too much. Well, this new face was scarring me even more.

"Uncertainity," I whisper. "And the unability to understand... anything."

I can feel tears polling in my eyes and I try to blink them away but to no avail. I look at the bowl of soup in front of me and I suddenly don't feel like eating anymore.

I am facing it now. I am afraid. I am constantly afraid, even though I have no idea what I should expect from this world. Maybe that's exactly why I am so afraid, that whatever will hit me, I won't be ready for it. I had to faint because of an anxiety attack out of the blue to realize how terrified I am.

Nobody ever tells me anything. People might try to make me understand, but without trying to understand me. There are so many people surrounding me, but I feel alone. And it makes me even more scared.

"H-Hey, don't cry..."

I raise my gaze to look at Seungkwan. I see him incredibly blurry and only then I realize I've been crying. I wipe my tears with my hands hastily and sniff. I could taste the salty tears in my mouth, making me feel somehow refreshed.

I cried. I barely ever cry.

"I'm sorry," I say getting up from the table in order to put the bowl of soup in the fridge for later.

"They don't like us," I hear Seungkwan saying as I open the door of the refrigerator.

They?

I put the bowl in the fridge hesitantly and turn around to look at the dark-brown haired boy sitting at the table in front of me. He was starring blankly, a trace of sadness clear on his face.

"Whom?" I ask and he closes his eyes, as if breaking out of a spell, a smile spreading on his lips.

"The other racers, the other gangs," he explains. "They don't really like Seventeen."