How Do We Live?

Chapter 5: Denaturation

Huminga ako ng malalim at tumingala ng maramdaman ko ang pangingilid ng luha ko. My throat is heted up and contracting at nahihirapan akong huminga.

"There is still no progress with the operation. Along with this new results, I'm sorry Dr. Roque but there is nothing much we could do for now."

Umiling na lamang ako sa aking sarili. So much for trying but I still need to have faith. I want to live a normal life. I want to have one. And there's only trying that I can do.

Agad kong iwinaksi iyon sa aking isipan at pumasok na sa kotse ko. I run a half day with my shift for this morning dahil sa annual check-up na ito. And to my dismay... still no progress.

Nine years, still no progress and that's so much for trying

Even in my sympathy for myself ay tinungo ko na ang ospital. It's already noon and for sure marami ang pasyente ng ganitong oras. I also have my breast biopsy schedule later this afternoon kaya kailangan ko talagang pumasok.

I managed to get to the hospital in time for lunch. Kinuha ko ang phone sa bulsa ng slacks na suot ko and saw Nikkolo's messages from there. Nakagawian ko ng i-check ang phone ko because I don't want Rahim to keep on lurking at my back kapag hindi ko nasasagot ang mga tawag niya.

From: Chief Anastacio
Meeting with Atty. De La Luna at five o'clock. After your operation today please proceed to the conference room. I won't be there though.

From: Nikkolo
Café kami ni Dr. Cruz. Where are you? Not going to work today?

Napailing na lamang ako sa nabasa kong message from Chief Anastacio. As much as I want him to be there ay wala naman siya. He's a busy person and Nikkolo's lawsuit is not on his plate kaya hindi niya iyon napagtutuunan ng pansin. He's only present if the agenda involves the Chief, binabantayan niya 'rin naman ako, only when Chief Valencia around.

I study the footage of the operation last night and I dig nothing because it's a normal procedure. Wala namang natamaang major bloodstreams along it. Almost smooth ang operation nga lang ay biglang nag-drop ang blood pressure ng pasyente. All the necessary pre-surgery tests are done too. Kahit pa emergency patient siya, they still did all of those. Hindi ko 'rin tuloy masabi when it's because of the slight delay.

Ang pagsasalba ng buhay ay hindi pwedeng mahuli kahit pa isang segundo.

A second could make a difference.

I change into my scrub and put on my coat, ang puting sneakers na lagi kong suot and I also remove my necklace. Itinupi ko ring ng maayos ang suot kong sleeveless turtle neck and slacks. Maging ang block heels na suot ko kanina ay ipinasok ko na sa locker.

I tie my hair in a high ponytail bago lumabas at simulan ang afternoon rounds ko. As I go with my usual routines ay hindi ko maiwasang tignan ang phone ko kung may text kay Rahim. I often scan my surroundings too to see if he's shadow is hiding somewhere pero ang bakas ng parted natural curled hair niya ay wala akong nakita.

"Doktora hinahanap mo ba si attorney?" Agad akong napapitlag sa tanong ni Rissa na tinutulungan na sina Dr. Cruz ngayon to prep Mrs. Leon on her operation.

"Hindi!"

"Doktora, maaga iyon pumasok kanina. Nasa conference room na yata. Tinanong ka pa nga pero sabi ko may personal appointment ka ngayong umaga."

I didn't have any chance to answer her dahil inilabas na nila si Mrs. Leon para i-prep for the operation.

I already prepare for the operation at pinilit na i-focus ang sarili sa trabaho. This is really making me go crazy!