100 Letters To My Future Self

69th Letter: When All Of A Sudden, It's All Over

June 8, 2020

Dear Future Me,

I think I'm really going to be fired. I don't have any last thoughts. Whatever the outcome is, I'll be happy to take it. If they fire me, then I will take some time to learn a few things, do crafting, and maybe sleep for a long long time. I will open up the books that I haven't read since March and finished writing my unfinished stories.

How are you there? Are you still as confused as I am in this time? I don't know when this letter will reach you and what stage you are in your life, but I hope you find comfort in this.

Right now, I just feel like I want to disappear. Things really work differently for me. I took extra care on something but I never realized there were other things I've missed. Things that I never noticed, things I overlooked. Trivial things that we may not realized are actually important. I don't know where I'm gonna go after this. I feel like I really wanted to rest for a long long time but I need to get back on my feet as soon as possible because my family need to live.

In times like this, I just keep wishing I was never been born at all. I never asked to be born but somehow I just did. We all just did. And the pattern for humans are laid out in front of us and we had to comply. We live because we had to. We try to be happy because we had to. But how beautiful would it be if we were never born in the first place.

I just felt so tired. I know this isn't as worse as some people are feeling right now but I just feel so emotionally and mentally drained. I've always been like this and I just keep moving forward because I had to. I had to live. Not because I want to but I had to. And there were people who relied on me. I just couldn't let them live alone.

From where you are out there, I'm sure you will remember how I felt right now. How I cried silently. What kind of song I kept playing over and over again. And which part of the house I hid to let all these emotions break free without anyone knowing.

I had no one to blame anymore. I'm so frustrated and I wish to put blames on a lot of people but I guess it will all come back to me.

I've been dreading this a lot these past few days. I'm just relieved it was all over now.

I hope you paving our future well in your time. I'll start paving here but for now I just want to sleep for a long long time.

Love always,
magicshop