Maura's dream

Chapter 5

[a/n] I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING SOONER I AM SO INCREDIBLY SORRY PLEASE STILL LOVE ME AND THIS STORY

Jane was silent so, Maura looked down at the ground as she tried to think of a way to make things better. She knew she couldn't apologize for kissing the brunette because she wasn't sorry. She just had to hope that the emotions she'd seen in Jane's eyes were not her own creation.

"It doesn't have to change anything" Maura said quietly "We can forget that just happened if you want."

Jane nodded. "Okay."

Maura felt like crying because that wasn't the response she was hoping for. What did you expect huh? Jane has made it very clear that she is not at all interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman. Why did I even try to think I was different? "Okay. So let's go to lunch then." Maura smiled weakly.

"Yeah." Maura led the way out attempting to keep her head up despite everything she was feeling.

"You drive okay?" Maura said when they reached the garage.

"Okay." Jane nodded.

The car ride was silent but luckily quite short.

"Maur..." Jane said finally when they sat downin their usual booth. "Do you want to forget it?"

"No." Maura said barely above a whisper. She couldn't prevent her face from heating up nor could she stop the fidgeting she was doing.

"Then why'd you say we could?"

"Because you were so quiet." Maura frowned realizing that wasn't a very good explanation. "I went without your friendship and I hated every minute of it. I couldn't do that again. I can deal with you not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship. But I need your friendship and if that means forgetting we kissed, then I can try and forget. If it means that I let you keep lying about what you feel for me then I'll let you lie." Maura tried to stop talking or at least talk more quietly but she just kept getting louder and faster as she spoke. "I can't lie. I can't say it meant nothing or that I didn't want it or even that I'm sorry. Because I looked you in the eyes and I know..." Maura felt the tears beginning to sting. "I know you feel the same." She finished quietly.

I can't cry now. I can't let her see how badly it hurts me to know she's lying about the way she feels. I can't be weak right not. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough. I already told myself that. Maura felt like she was drowning in her own emotions when she felt Jane's hand reach out and grab hers across the table. It grounded her. She looked up at a sympathetic Jane.

"I..." Jane frowned. "You know I suck at this stuff. I'm not good at talking about my feelings."

Maura nodded. "I know."

"That's part of the problem. You know. You know so much about me. You know exactly what I'm trying to say when I can't find the right words. You know what I'm feeling even when I can't name it. You know me so well and it scares the shit outta me." Jane looked down at the hand in her own. "I need you Maura and if... If we were to pursue a romantic relationship and it ended badly... I wouldn't have you anymore. That scares me too."

"What could go wrong?" Maura asked with a half smile.

"Yeah because the last time you said that everything went perfectly." Jane scoffed. "I've never been with a woman before. I could be terrible in the bedroom. And what about my job Maur, could you still handle what I do if we we're involved?"

"People can learn to be good in bed Jane, though I honestly don't think that will be a problem. And as for your job, I would handle it exactly the same way. I know that being a detective is a huge part of who you are. I don't expect that change."

"What about if people talk about us?" Jane frowned.

"People already talk about us remember. People laugh at me, and people call you a bitch." This caused Jane to smile a little. "What's one more thing? And besides I'm pretty sure they already talk about us being together as well. And even if they don't we don't have to tell anyone until we were ready to."

"So basically... I really have absolutely no argument against being in a relationship with you?" Jane asked with a sigh.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you don't want to pursue it and I'll never mention it again." Maura said giving Jane's hand a gentle squeeze.

"I can't" Jane mumbled defeated.

Maura smiled wide. "Then I have one more question."

Jane looked up at her friend. "Yes?"

"Will you go to dinner with me tomorrow?"

"A date?" Jane asked blushing.

"Yes." Maura laughed. "A date."

Jane nodded. "Wait a sec Maur, I'm supposed to be the guy. That means I'm supposed to ask you on a date not the other way around."

Maura laughed. "Alright bossy, then ask me out on a date."

Jane suddenly felt nervous even though she already knew the outcome. "Maura Isles would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow evening?"

"I would like that very much." Maura smiled.

Jane grinned. "How does eight sound?"

"That sounds perfect." Maura couldn't stop the giddy feeling building inside of her. "And now that that's out of the way we can enjoy our lunch."

As if the waiter were waiting on a cue he brought out two burgers and a large platter of fries for the two women to share. During the rest of their lunch break the chatted about unimportant things.

"I think Korsak might be one of those people that talks about us." Jane said dipping a fry in a big glob of ketchup.

"What makes you think that?"

"Well... it was the way he smiled at me when he sent me to see if you wanted to go out to lunch with me." Jane watched Maura swirl her own fry in ketchup. "It was like he knew something was up between us now that we weren't fighting anymore."

"I can't see how he could possibly know something that we only just figured out."

"I've been a bit." Jane paused to swallow. "Distracted today, I may have mentioned to Frost that I was thinking about you and Korsak probably over heard since I wasn't trying to hide the fact that I was worried about you." she shrugged. "I dunno. We should probably get back soon otherwise they'll just assume I skipped out on work completely to be with you. and I don't even want to think about what they would think we were doing."

"You're right." Maura smiled. This has been far more successfully than I imagined it was going to be. She paid for their lunch and followed Jane out to the car. I wonder how she would react if I tried to hold her hand. Maybe she'll let me when we're in the car. I can't recall ever really wanting to hold someone's hand before. I know how hers feel in mine though. They're a bit calloused and naturally there are the scars but I don't usually notice them unless she's rubbing at them. But this desire to hold her hand is different than it usually is. When they were both buckled in and the car was started Maura reached over and took a hold of the hand that Jane had let rest at her side. "Is this okay?" she asked shyly.

Jane squeezed Maura's hand and smiled. "It's perfect."

"I was worried you wouldn't let me hold your hand." Maura confessed. "I've never wanted to hold hands with someone before."

"Really?" Jane laughed. "I kind of love that."

Maura blushed. "Well just so you know. You can hold my hand whenever you want."

Jane grinned. "Okay."

I feel kind of silly, wanting to hold hands. Asking to hold her hand even. I'm not positive, but I'm fairly certain that grown women don't ask to hold hands. Maura released Jane's hand as they pulled into the parking garage again. She couldn't keep the smile off her face, she imagined Jane was feeling the same as they parted ways. I have a date with Jane tomorrow night. Maura almost squealed in delight.