Break the Broken boy

~A case of insomnia~

I was lying in my bed, staring out of my window and into the night sky. I couldn't sleep, I have absolutely no clue why, but I just didn't feel tired.

I climbed out of my bed, careful not to wake Jenny as I walked over to the window, quietly opening it and letting the warm breeze float into my room.

I glanced up at the stars, or rather just one star in particular. When I was little, I had found a note from my mom. I had kept it with me until I was able to read, and once I could, that was when my love for space had developed.

I have a star, way up in the sky.
It's the brightest one up there.
From there I'll look down on you, watching over every step you make in your life.
For I have a star up there, my darling.
The brightest of them all.
And when I finally pass.
I'll be sitting up there, watching over you.

I let out a small sigh as I stared up at the star longingly. I just wish I could be up there with her, I wish I could look down on the world, see the beautiful places I've heard about... the nice people I've dreamed of meeting. I want to look down on the world and remember how beautiful it was, how beautiful life was...

"What's it like up there? Can you really see the entire world? Is it really beautiful, are their nice people out there? I wish I could have met you mom, at least then I'd have a little more faith that you really are watching over me... I feel like I don't deserve your protection. Maybe they were right...

"You know I've been to a church before... a few years back actually... I wanted to be able to... I don't know what I was expecting, but I had hoped I'd be able to connect with you, be able to speak to you, or maybe give Jesus a postcard to give you. I couldn't even step foot in that place...

"They told me I couldn't go in, I tried to ask them why but all they said was 'No spawn of Satan is allowed to step foot in this church! Only those pure of heart and soul may enter!' I tried to tell them that I just wanted to talk to you, that I just wanted to know if you were really watching over me... And they told me, that 'the only spirit watching over you is Satan! He'll be there when you pass, when god shuns you out for that monstrosity on your skin, Satan will be there to drag you down to hell! Where filth's like you belong!'

"It made me think... is Satan really watching over me? Or better yet, is God or whatever really punishing me for something I did? And if so, what did I do? Because all I want to do is make things right... I want to fix everything. I'd give my soul if it meant you could come back, I'd sell my freedom if it meant I could just meet you... And I'd let the world kill me if it meant I'd just get to be with you...

"I want to be up there with you mom, I want to sit beside you and watch as the world turns, as people grow up and grow old... I want to watch people live, find love and just be happy! I want to be up there with you, glancing down at the world and thinking about everything that could have been... I just want to be with you mom..."

I slumped against the window sill, glancing up at her star with teary eyes. I couldn't help but smile brightly as the star twinkled, almost as if mom was really trying to talk to me. It was small things like that that always gave me that faith... that faith that mom did care, even if she wasn't here with me.

"I just want to make you proud mom, I want to impress you with the things I've done down here... I want to get into collage, graduate and become a photographer. I want to travel around the world, visit beautiful places, take photos and share them with the world! I-I want to be a model, I want to be able to have someone look at me and think 'Damn, he's amazing!'... I just want to make people proud, mom... I want to make you proud... but how can I make someone else proud if I'm not even proud of myself?

"I don't like what I do... I don't like who I am, mom. I don't like how weak I am, that I can't even stand up for myself against my own father. I don't like how angry I always am, how angry I am at people, at the world. I don't like how alone I feel, I want to have someone to talk to who will actually listen who isn't just a star! I- ...,"

I took a deep breath, blinking away the tears as I tried to just calm down. I smiled sadly at the star, why did it have to be her?

"I just want to be enough... I want to mean something to someone. And I don't just want to be the person who makes nice food, or the friend who can knock someone upside the head... I want to actually mean something, I want to be someone who matters to the world...

"I want to be one of the greats... someone who changed the world for all the right reasons... I want to be able to die, but my name will always mean something... I want someone to look at my name, or my photo and remember me as someone who made a difference, someone who changed the world... that's what I want to mean to someone, not just the kid at school covered head to toe in ink!" I cried, clenching my fists as I tried so hard not to cry.

"I want to be someone, I want to be someone who the world will remember... I want people to remember me, I want people to remember Liam Parker, someone who changed the world... even after the world changed him. I just want to mean something..." I sighed, a stray tear falling down my face as I looked away from the stars, glancing down over the neighborhood, as far as I could see at least.

I jumped slightly as something pressed against my back, I turned slightly to see Jenny hugging me tightly, her eyes closed as she rested her head on my shoulder. "You do mean something Liam, you mean something to me." She mumbled, I smiled sadly as I pulled her around, placing her in my lap as I looked back at the stars.

"I know sweetheart, I know." I told her, hugging her tightly as I blinked away the tears. "Why do you think so badly of yourself?"

"It's just something I do sweetheart, I don't want to lash out at other people, so instead I end up lashing out at myself."

"But that's not good."

"I know, I know it's not sweetie... But you don't need to worry about me okay? You head back to bed sweetheart, get some rest." Jenny shook her head as she cuddled up in my lap.

I let out a small sigh as I held Jenny close, standing up and making my way over to my bed. I pulled the blankets back as I climbed into bed, lying down on my back as Jenny cuddled up to my side.

"Will you go to sleep now?" I asked, pulling the blankets over us, Jenny nodded her head as she rolled over, hugging my arm as she began to drift off to sleep.

I couldn't help the small smile that crawled onto my face, god... Jenny was just so precious... she was so damn innocent and pure. It honestly amazes me.

I looked back out at the stars, mom's star twinkling brightly. I let out a sigh as I shifted my gaze to my ceiling.

Jenny just watched me have a melt down...

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I held back tears. Dad would be satisfied seeing me like this... he'd love seeing me in pain, crying and looking down on myself...

I'm glad he's away for the weekend, or however long he said he was going away for... I can't honestly remember. I just really wish he wouldn't come back.

I have enough money to pay for things, like food and water bills. I'd have enough money to keep Jenny and I steady... maybe we could run away...

There'd be no escape either way, he'd find me... he always does. I've tried before and he found me... he always finds me.

My mind somehow drifted to Abuela, I haven't seen her in a while... I'll make sure to visit her soon... she's probably had her hands full with Julia and Marco. I wonder if Jenny would get along with them? At least she'd feel like she'd have another friend other than her little buddy Dean.

Dean...

I wonder what that little dude is like... I've never met him, but I'd sure as hell love to. He seems like a sweet kid, he does make my sister happy... and that's all I want for her. Is for her to be happy...

Some one deserves to be happy...

Even if it isn't me...