please; help me understand

Venti Nueve

It's may twent fifth and I'm really excited for June because I'm planing on coming out then because you know it's PRIDE MONTH. The last few weeks I've been focusing on dance and keeping healthy but also needing to eat double.

I wrote this all in my journal before getting ready for the day 

I put on a pair of black leggings and a knitted sweater.

I practically skipped downstairs I was finally free and I knew who I was and who I wanted to be and I wasn't just going to be Caoimhe that girl on tiktok.

I walked into the kitchen to see a very confused but sad Addison.

C: hey Addie, wats up

She looked at me tears in her eyes then spoke

A: look at this 

She showed me a video of what looked like a cop on an Black man. I was horrified 

Video: I can't breathe

I felt a tear run down my cheek 

The man was loosing control over his body. He was peeing himself unable to control it.

Video: don't kill me

The video ended 

C: what was that 

A: it's a cop killing a man for having faulty Money 

C: why'd he kill him 

She gulped before speaking 

A: because he's black 

C: what the fuck 

She didn't say anything 

I paced around the island my head in my hands 

C: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE 

a: caoimhe your scaring me 

C: why the FUCK would they do that 

I grabbed  a glass and threw it at the wall

I realised what I did as soon as I heard the glass shatter 

I knelt down in the glass sobbing. The pain of the glass cutting into my skin was agonising but I felt paralysed 

What the fuck, why the fuck, who the fuck, when the fuck and where the fuck was what was going on in my head.

Okay what the fuck? Innocent black man killed 

Why the fuck? Faulty money but why, oh because he's black 

Who the fuck? God who tf was he and I really want to find out where he lives right now 

When the fuck? Last night or this morning I guess 

Where the fuck? I don't know.

I felt someone pick me up then noticed how many people had gathered around me.

I just cried more. It was Bryce who picked me up and was now putting me down on the counter 

C: I'm so sorry

S: your fine 

C: I'm- I just- what's hap- who- where 

a: it happened in Mississippi

I just stood up and went to my room, not saying anything not doing anything.

I just crawled onto my bed and lay down like a star fish and prayed

Angel of god 

My guardian dear

To whom gods loves 

Commits me here

Ever this day 

Be at my side 

To rule and guide 

I didn't say amen because I wanted to talk to Aaron but I didn't know what to say. So I just started saying what came into my head

I'm so scared about everything coming out whatever the hell just happens to that black man and it just scary you know like with everything that's happened this year one thing that I was going to do for myself was come out but if I do it now people are going to think I'm not focusing on black lives matter. There's  always gonna Be hate but I have onto do what's right for me. 

Ooh what's she gonna do.... 

thank you so much for reading this story it's gonna have a second one very soon so be excited. Also I'd love if you voted thanks xx