(A/N: The date of writing this was 26/12/2014... but I forgot to publish it (opps)... So soz i dun goofed :P)
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As most of you may know... It was Christmas Yesterday
... My Favourite holiday, not gonna lie
And I was lazing around as my family had decided to go for a picnic in a near by national park, just on the bank of a river... I was laying down on the rug, looking up at the sky and for the first time in years... I felt totally at peace...
I've been stressed and suffering from anxiety for so long that I've forgotten what it means to be 'Relaxed'
But for a few moments... I felt that... I felt so happy that I almost cried...
Knowing I wasn't being judge... Knowing I didn't have 20 assignments due within the next few days.... Knowing I was safe...
I've been so stressed about school and my identity recently...
School has been destroying my mental health faster than you can say "You have a 2000 word essay due tomorrow"....
The school system is so fucked up...
I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember... my first memory is running out of the room in Pre School because everyone had their eyes on me... I can't even remember why... I think I was called on by a teacher about something and everyone turned and looked at me and I fucking bolted...
I have anxiety about a lot of things... But I think I mostly have Social Anxiety problems...
People told me as time went on, my anxiety would slowly disappear...
"It'll get easier"...
"When you get older it gets less scary"....
Yea... And I have a pet dinosaur named Larry that can fly to pluto while eating rainbows...
Fuck off....
Even now I am being told that it will get better with age...
I'M 17 YEARS OLD! I'VE HAD ANXIETY SINCE I WAS 3! I'VE DONE ENOUGH FUCKING AGEING! WHERE IS THIS PROMISED RELIEF BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT!?
ITS GETTING SO. MUCH. WORSE.
I'm scared...
Everything is so intimidating...
I'm having bursts of Depression every few weeks where I don't even want to eat or get the fuck out of bed... Whats the point of doing so when all I get it torment from teachers... From other students... from my own brain...
Whats the point of doing anything when we are all going to die anyway
I've lost interest in everything thanks to School...
I dont want to do art anymore...
I dont want to write stories anymore...
I dont want to make YouTube Videos anymore...
School has taken away everything I love and now I'm a miserable mess...
I just want to be happy
Why is that too much to ask...
That leads me to the second thing that is driving me mad these days...
My identity...
I dont even know who I am anymore...
I believe I'm finally comfortable saying that I'm Bigender and a Demiguy
I'm happy being called a Gentlemen... I actually find it really cool...
But, on occasion, I like to where a dress and a bit of makeup...
I have a very defined feminine side and masculine side...
At first I became very distressed over the idea that I had a boy and girl living within me... Even though that has been the case my whole life and I never really acknowledged it...
But I've finally come to my senses and gotten over it... I've even named both halves of me ^_^
(I'm going to talk about them further in another post for tomorrow)
So I've started to embrass it but for atleast 3-4 months I was so freaked out over the idea...
I thought that maybe that affected my sexuality or other aspects of my life but that was just my anxiety talking...
I know my gender identity has nothing to do with sexuality but... having constant anxiety from school made it feel like my thoughts were on some fucking heavy drugs...
They were just so mixed up and all over the place that I just couldn't track them and make any sense of them...
It's like when you read a sentence thats missing a word or some of the words are in the wrong places and you have to stare at it for a solid 5 minutes for it to make sense in your mind on whats wrong with it...
That was my mind for a few months and it almost pushed me over the line but I guess I managed...
What this post is really saying is that
Dont be a Teenager...
Just dont do it....
Don't go through that shit...
It's a whole lot a nope that you should be avoiding...
...
...
Ok Bye!
~BashFish
