[survivor, the hard way]↣ p. parker | t.s. daughter

CHAPTER TEN

[THREE WEEKS LATER]

I tossed and turned in my bed. Without Peter, sleep was sometimes hard to find. I didn't like knowing that no one was there to wake me up from a nightmare. Eventually, I got tired of staring at my eyelids. I padded into the living room and turned the TV on. I couldn't focus on it, though. My mind was overwhelmed with the things that I had done.

Faces flashed though my head. Politicians, business men, their families. Innocent people at the wrong place at the wrong time. I killed so many people. And everyone was willing to forgive me for it. They looked the other way, they said it wasn't my fault. But it was.

It was all my fault.

"Can't sleep?" Steve asked from the door way. I looked up and cocked my head at him.

"No, I can't," I said. He came and sat next to me on the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I said simply. "No, I don't, because you're just going to tell me that I'm silly and that it wasn't my fault and that I need to forgive myself and I'm really not in the mood to hear that."

"You're thinking about the Winter Soldier," Steve said. "You can talk to me about it."

"I hate talking about it! I don't like talking about it, but it's all I can think about! I don't want anyone to know what I went through, okay? I don't know what I'm supposed to say, it's not like I can make you understand," I said, running a hand through my hair.

"Do you want me to go get-"

"No, don't. Don't go get anyone. There's no one I can talk to that can help."

Steve sighed. "I was more of a father to you than your dad was, I know you know that. It used to be me and you against the world, right? So please, Ari. Please talk to me. Talk to someone. I can't watch you tear yourself apart anymore."

"I don't know what you want me to talk about," I said. "I don't know what you think I should say. Do you know how many people I killed? How many people begged for their lives before I murdered them?"

"That wasn't you," Steve said.

"Yes it was! It was me! It still is me!" I shouted. I remembered that people were asleep and backed off a bit. "I'm a monster, Cap," I whispered. He scooted closer to me and pulled me into a hug. "I-"

"Don't say anything," Steve begged softly. "Just sit here with me and don't say anything."

I nodded into his chest. Steve held me close, one of his hands playing with my hair the way he used to when I was fussy and couldn't sleep when I was a toddler. I yawned.

"Was your plan to make me fall asleep?" I mumbled into his chest.

"Hush," Steve laughed.

I picked my legs up and put them on the couch. My body adjusted itself, cranking and twisting around until I could get comfortable. Steve leaned back against the back rest.

"Go to sleep, bug," Steve whispered.

And that's what I did.

-

When I woke up the next morning, my super soldier pillow was gone. He was replaced with a throw pillow, which was remarkably less comfortable. I rolled over and tossed the blanket off of me before I sat up.

There was no one in the living room or kitchen.

"FRIDAY, where is everyone?" I asked.

"The Avengers are at the grocery store," FRIDAY said.