[survivor, the hard way]↣ p. parker | t.s. daughter

CHAPTER TWELVE

"I'm dangerous," I said, "what does that mean? Like, do I have to stay here forever?"

"No," the doctor said. "I'm going to ask you some questions to decide if you have the mental capacity to make your own decisions. Then, I'll have a few psychiatrists and social workers come in and talk to you. If we all decide that you're stable enough, you'll be able to leave."

"And if you decide I'm not?"

"If I think you're mentally fit for it, I'll allow you the opportunity to check yourself into a physicality for psychiatric care. If you aren't fit to make the decision yourself, the decision will be made for you."

"Why am I making the decision?" I asked. "Where's my dad?"

"You aren't allowed to see any family or friends," the doctor said. She stepped further into the room. "For the next three days, you're going to be in this room."

"That's not going to help me."

"You don't know what's going to help you," the doctor said.

"You don't know what's going to help me either!" I exclaimed. "No one knows how to fix me because I'm not supposed to be fixable. That's the whole point," I said, dropping my voice down.

"What do you mean by that?" the doctor asked.

"I mean that that's what the HYDRA doctors told me. Listen, okay? They injected me with this serum and it was like I had amnesia. Like I could almost remember things, but not quite. You know that feeling when you forget a word? Like you know it and you know you know it but you can't remember?" I asked her. She nodded and sat down on a stool. "That's what I felt like for months. Anyways, that serum was created to wear away my mind and make it weaker. I don't know the science behind it and honestly, I don't care to. I just know that my mind isn't the same as it used to be, and it's never supposed to get back to what it was."

"Mhm," the doctor said. My eyes flickered to her name tag. Dr. Tomas. She didn't seem interested in what I was saying at all.

"It's not like I'm just making it up," I said defensively. "I'm not crazy!" I'm not, right? The thing with HYDRA really happened, didn't it? "I'm not crazy."

Dr. Tomas got up and walked away without another word.

-

"You're a danger to yourself and the people you love," Paul, the Medbay therapist, said. "how does that make you feel?"

"It kind of makes me feel like shit," I said. Paul sighed. He and I went way back, to when I first got to the Medbay after I was saved from HYDRA. He did his best.

"Can you use a feeling word?" Paul asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Shitty."

"Ari," he warned.

"What? That was funny!"

"I really don't want to write that you're uncooperative," Paul said, "a feeling word?"

"Angry," I said.

"Anger is a secondary emotion," he said, "what's the feeling underneath it?"

"Uh," I said. "sad, maybe? Hurt?"

"Sad and hurt," Paul repeated. "these feelings turn into anger, and your anger turns into violence."

"I didn't beat up that guy," I said. "I mean, I did, but it wasn't me. I wasn't aware or in control of my actions. I was brainwashed, right? Doesn't that explain it?"

"You being brainwashed doesn't make you any less dangerous to anyone," Paul said.

There was that word again. Dangerous. I scrunched my face like I tasted something sour.