The Periods of Being

Chapter XXXI

Chapter XXXI

    The next morning Olive walks to Mark's grave alone. Her heart hangs as heavy as her arms do at her sides. This morning Julie held up two dresses again, trying to see if she would pick the colored one. The black dress drags on the gravel below in a reminder of which dress she chose. Julie's sad eyes appear in the back of her mind. She thought that because she can smile again that the mourning period is done. How wrong Julie was to think such a thing.

    A past thought creeps over her again and she is reminded of her past self's neglect to understand the reality of the mourning period. It's supposed to be a period of time, not a lifetime. I'm going to live in it, her present self adds. I'm going to stay in this dress and keep this cloud above my head.

    Her time with her mourning is a complicated one, but any relationship is complicated. The mourning ghost of herself grips her by the neck and reveals all the tears that she hides away from the world and from herself. It grips her stomach in a grumbling grip. No food can satisfy her hunger and no meal can fill her with warmth. She is a captive in the hands of a black dress, a mourning veil, and the feeling of despair— more powerful than the thin blanket one that used to plague her.

    She shouldn't have smiled.

    She should've kept it inside.

    The world doesn't want to see her smile. If it did, her life would've been different. She would be visiting her husband in a garden of flowers rather than a field of stones. He should be alive, not dead. Her throat clenches in the reaction to her whirlwind of thoughts. She gulps them down and opens the gate. It creaks at the force of her hand and struggles to move with the overgrown grass. She pushes it open. Her eyes lock on to her path. She leaves the gate open as she trudges through the grass over to Mark's stone.

    Her knees dare to buckle under her at her slow steps. The veil drapes down her face and gives off a false perception of the darkened world. The world slows down with her— for her. The world opens the doors for her to sit down and reach out to spread out the grass from the words etched on the bottom of his gravestone. The world slows down to allow her time to speak without the day going by fast.

    She came here alone for a reason today.

    She closes her eyes and pictures last night in her mind to make sure her bones understand what is happening. Her heart does. He came to her again last night and another nightmare rushed over her. Mark was there. Watching them in the act. The memory replays in her mind and her heart pounds with heartache. The memory of her and Andrew has been deeply buried. Just the hatred of herself and the longing of forgiveness has been on her mind when her heart tries to remind her of that night. It's been too long since she has remembered that night. Last night opened the eyes of her heart and the eyes of her mind.

    Last night gave her the ability to talk to him fully— not to a statue nor to the figure of him. To his buried body and his drifting soul that lays unclaimed.

    She clears her throat of any doubts and fears before she speaks.

    "Hello, my love," she whispers to the ground below where she sits. "Are you there? Or are you up in the sky? Where did your soul go? Where did you go?" She swallows down her sorrows to try to get all she wishes to say out. She can't cry now. She wants him to understand all the words that have been trapped in her heart but were never able to be released because of his death. These words belonged to him. Not to Andrew. Just him. She hopes somewhere he decides to sit down and listen to her. It is like him to do so. He always listened to her.

    "I need your forgiveness. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you been listening in to my conversations with Andrew? I'm sorry if you have. I wanted you to learn about it from me, not from death." She swallows. Her fingers idly play with the grass in front of her to distract themselves. "It was a mistake. I know that now. When it happened, I was just lonely and just in need of caresses and kisses. I don't know why I chose him, perhaps he needed the same."