The Periods of Being

Chapter XXXXVI

Chapter XXXXVI

Julie takes the empty plate of food down when she finishes getting Olive ready for the night. She speaks of nothing of importance. Only asking if she liked the meal and if she would like to have her hair braided to have loose, natural curls in the morning. Olive answered yes to both, but only to try to get Julie to ask her about what happened in the dining room. It was clear by her silence that she knew, Olive sees this now as she ventures to her bed.

    She ponders on what kind of story the footmen told to the other servants and if Mr. Sadder ordered them to not say anything of the situation when he caught them. She pulls back the duvet and slips under as she the imaginary scenario plays out in the back of her mind. She allows it to commence, but once her head rests on her pillow, it subsides to another scenario: Neil in his room.

     Her heart hammers away at her chest at the thought of him. The sobs that she released earlier haunt the room and taunt her. Her head hits her pillows and the salt from past tears before provokes more to follow. Her eyes sting and her throat clenches at the sobs that try to pour out from the depths of herself. She holds her breath and tries to count, but it is no use to her as her mind imagines what Neil is doing right now. She wonders if he is laying in bed as she is doing the same. Is his mind wandering as fast as hers? Is he even thinking of her right now?

    She lets go of her breath and sits up again. Her fingers grip the duvet in a chock hold and her as her eyes lock onto the door. Her mind is silent. Her thoughts shatter into shards of glass, falling through the cracks of her life and staying there.

    Is he in his room? She wonders. Could it be possible that he might not be and he might be in the library— the place he went when he couldn't sleep? She sucks in her bottom lip and bites down on her as she ponders on the idea. It is likely, but not impossible that he could be locked up in his room rather than in an unlocked library room that anyone can access in. She lets go of her wailing lip and loosens her white-knuckled grip on the blanket.

    Her mind tries to go through the possibilities of this situation, but her heart silences it before she can fully be immersed in them. Olive tears the blanket off of her legs and bounces out of bed without a jump in her step, but with a step of determination. Her heart flutters with the response but darkens with her worries. He might not want to see her if he is at the library, but the best she can do is try.

    She can't remember the last time she was this optimistic like this. Perhaps when she believed that Mark wouldn't be shipped off to the war. When he indeed was, she only could hold onto a string of hope that he would return. Now, she holds onto hope by the ankles and won't let it get away from her.

    Through the dark, she drifts to the bedroom door with small steps, knowing that she could trip over her own feet if she ran toward it, despite the desire to do so. Her lungs hold enough breath to give her courage, but with each breath taken, she releases a dose of the captive courage that she needs to go see him.

     With clawed fingertips, she grasps ahold of the door handle, pushing down to hear the familiar click of its parting from its frame. She slips out quickly and quietly.

     The hallway is dimly lit by wall lamps. A sense of deja vu courses through her. Last time she went to the library this late at night, she was in the hunt for something, not wanting to find someone else in the library. This time, she is only looking for Neil, and she'll do anything to make sure she finds him. She wonders if it would be inappropriate to see if he is in his room still.

    She brushes the thought aside.

     He has to be in the library. If not, she will have to wait and see if she'll catch him at breakfast tomorrow morning. The possibility of him not being there is too high for her liking. She continues down her path to the library to stop herself from losing the courage that she holds tight to her chest.