The Periods of Being

Chapter XXXXIII

Chapter XXXXIII

She holds a hand to her chest on the train ride back to Garthen. Her heart is silent, causing her to worry that it has stopped beating. She lays her hand down in fear of death and in the fear of losing herself.

    Did I already lose myself, though?

    Julie sits across from her, looking out of the window. Olive plays with her gloved hands and the veil that she took off when they sat down in their cabin. People pass by their cabin but her usually wandering eyes stay locked on her lap. She fiddles aimlessly in silence, glancing up ever so often to see if she can decipher what Julie is thinking about and the reason for her silence.

    Olive pulls her jacket closer around her to fight the chill in the cabin either from a draft or from Freya's words. She shivers slightly and aims her eyes toward Julie to see if she feels the chill as well. She is steady, no reaction to possible shivers running down her back, and still as a stone. Olive turns away back to the window before Julie can catch her looking at her.

    They haven't spoken one word since Olive informed her that they have been summoned to leave. She told her it was because there is a sickness running through Blythestone manor and she didn't want either one to catch it. She didn't say what sort of illness and Julie never questioned about it. Instead, she nodded and packed both of their things. The footman loaded up the car and then they were off together. Olive expected Mr. Haden to spark a conversation between them, but the car was, also, silent. The silence becomes too loud in a small cabin with two people. Even so, Olive stays quiet and sending silent prayers up into the growing cloudy sky for Julie to speak up.

    Her prayers are answered, but not in the way she hoped for them to be.

    "What was the true reason behind why we went at Blythestone, Olive?" Julie's voice is stern like a mother's who finally figured out that something is up with their daughter after many days, years, in denial. Olive fights to ignore the question, knowing that Julie will be disappointed in how Olive didn't tell her— or outraged by the results of her true intentions of going to Blythestone.

    "Olive, I know that it wasn't to see your family. Why did we go there? And why did we have to leave so early?" She questions again.

    She takes in a deep breath of the cold air and forces her eyes to move away from the window to Julie.

    "I— we—" she breathes out, "—went to Blythestone so I can speak to Freya about Andrew."

    Julie processes the information in silence and then with widen eyes. Olive waits for her to respond, afraid that if she spoke more it would only prevent Julie from speaking up. If this is shocking to her, she worries what she would talk about the results of meeting with Freya. Does she already figure what might've happened now knowing the reason behind their visit?

    Please, she prays, please already know the reason behind why we left. I can't speak of it yet.

    She refuses to allow herself to go back to those memories and those words that Freya spat at her. She caged them and lost the key. She won't tell. She can't tell. If she does, she'll spiral out of control in her dark thoughts. She'll be forced to look them in the eyes and give them a body to control. She can't do that.

    "Did she already know about you and Andrew?" She questions. All Olive can do is nod in shame. "Did she understand?"

     "What do you mean by understand?" Olive asks with a heavy heart, already knowing the answer to her own question. Did she forgive you? Did she understand how much this as affected you, too? Does she understand how you are dying on the inside? How you are being punished by God because of it?