Love Undefined: A MaxTul Love Story

Guilty Pleasures

I cheated on Bambi tonight.
With Katya.
I feel like a total prick.
An asshole!
But why am I not at Bambi's front door, pretending nothing had happened?
Instead, I'm in front of PPi's.
Knowing deep down that I have to seek his forgiveness tonight.
Seek his warmth.
His love.
Why is that... after my release with Katya, the first face that came into my head was PPi's and not Bam.
I don't get it.
It is Bam that I cheated on.
Not PPi.
But yet, here I am.
I told PPi I was coming over, but late.
He must have assumed I was filming late.
And I did.
It was just I detoured a little.
And ended up at Katya's place first.

She's not as pretty as PPi.
Nor as sweet as Bam.
We didn't even connect emotionally.
Nor mentally.
It's just that she was THERE.
While he is HERE.
In my head.
And heart.
And I don't want him to be.
He was HERE when I was with Bam too.
And of course just now, when I was with Katya.
And I going f&*king crazy with it.
I honestly don't want to think of him that way.
He would run a mile if he knew.
He's my bro.
My big bro.
And I can't afford to lose him.
Not like with my girls.
My longest so far is with Bam.
We've been together almost 3 years now.
But I have a strong sense that the sand is about to run out on us.
I love Bambina.
She's a good girl.
A wonderful girlfriend.
She's been loyal, supportive and discreet all these years.
So yeah, I feel like a prick.

But I have a tingling feeling that me being with Katya tonight is not about her.
Rather, it's about him.
The person who is beyond this door.
The door that I have a key to.
A key he gave me.
And with a sigh, I walked in.
Pass his hallway, with just a grunt from his sleepy husky.
And into his room.

I stood silently looking down at my PPi.
My beautiful BL partner PPi.
He was sleeping so soundly, knocked out from a long busy day.
I know he had a full day today.
Even without filming, PPi never sits still.
Today he had to visit the renovation site of his next health spa, go through the design of a clothing line he was endorsing and discussed the upcoming MaxTul schedules with P'Nui.
So yeah, I'm sure he's all tired out.
It was obvious from his sleep.
He was on his back, one forearm thrown above his head.
Mouth slightly parted to let out silent snores.
Yup, Perfect Pakorn snores in his sleep.
And that made him all the more endearing to me.
So deep was his sleep that he was oblivious to my presence.

I can't help but smile at the scene in front of me.
The bathroom door was left slightly ajar to bring light to the darken room.
PPi sleeps in total darkness, so I know the little act was for my benefit.
He hasn't got his eye patch on either, cos he knows I aways tease him about it.
It's not I find the habit silly or anything.
It is kinda cute, and scientifically proven, I guess.
It's just that I like to see his eyes when he's asleep.
Yes, Naughty Nattapol watches his PPi in his sleep.
So, sue me.

Of course I don't tell him that.
I can't.
Like I can't tell him how lately Lil Max starts dancing at slightest of touches, the naughtiest of winks, the softest of smiles, from him.
Heck, Lil Max would even twitch at any semblance of intelligence that comes out of PPi's mouth too.
And I can assure you that that's plenty of twitching.
To be honest, Lil Max has been excited for his PPi for quite a while, actually.
And how can I tell him that Lil Max gets excited so much that I had to pacify him with Bambina any chance I can get.
Well, maybe that's a lame excuse.
And when that didn't work, I had to look for an alternative.
Like tonight.
Ok, another lame excuse.

But of course, I can't tell him.
I can't tell poor Bam either.
I can't even tell myself.
Cos I don't know what all this means?
And so I choose to ignore it all.
Choose to find peace, for the next few hours at least.
I choose to find solace here.
In his apartment.
His room.
His arms.
PPi.

And so I stripped out of my clothes.
If I simply throw them on the floor, I know he'll pick them after me in the morning.
So, instead I hung them neatly over a chair in the corner, until I stood only in my boxers.
That's the least I can do after cheating on him tonight.
Did I say cheating on HIM? And not HER?
God! I don't know.
Of these feelings I have for him.
All I know that it's growing.
Growing so much that I think one of these days, it's gonna explode.

"You're home, Max?"
Things that we say in our sleep.
Home?
Yes, this sure feels like home.
And I feel like a cheating husband, back to his trusting wife.
And my heart tightened at the thought.
"Yes, PPi, it's me."
"Don't forget to brush you teeth," Tul mumbled and turned to his side, leaving an empty space beside him.

I don't know when we started.
But it's been quite a regular between us lately.
For me to stay the night and bunk in his bed.
Sometimes because I was drunk.
At times, just to fall asleep after a long chat.
Or sometimes cos the guest room has Tay or C'Game or Tul's brother in it.
But tonight, it is none of the above.
Yet, here I am.

I smiled at his reminder to clean up.
And I do really need one.
To clean myself of Katya.
Of her touches.
Her kisses.
Her smell.
I want to be clean when I lay next to him.
I won't be pure, but at least clean for the night.
How can I be like him - to wait for that elusive ONE to really spend the night with.
A lifetime with.

I'm not that strong.
I have my desires to pacify.
In all of honesty, lately when Bam just could not do it for me, I actually had to have to my fix in the shower, by myself.
With him in mind.
With his breath tickling my ear.
With his lips on my body.
With his hands on me.
But only as far as my imagination can take me.
I miss him.
I miss touching his body, mind and soul - that way.
The last I felt his sweet naked body on me - that way - were at our love scene shoot for The Next Chapter and the Hamburger photography session.
At the magazine shoot, the reporter asked how different it was for me to act a love scene with a woman compared to a man.
My answer was - while I have to act like I was stepping on eggshells with the ladies, I just go for it with the guys.
That was a lie, really.
I think I would step on eggshells with the guys too.
I was with P'Ten in Innocence.
It's only with PPi that I really let go.
And PPi alone.
And of late I have this burning need to wanna let it all go with him - in private too.
I used to think I was not sexually attracted to PPi.
But now, I'm not so sure any more.
Will there be a night when I will really spend it with him - that way?
Do I want to?
I don't really know.
For now.

So in the mean time, I have to rinse off any traces of anyone but him, before I can allow myself to slide into his bed.
To snuggle and spoon him from behind.
And hope he'll turn around later and hug me too.

"I'm all clean, PPi."
"Ummm..." was his only answer when I finally got into bed with him.
He reached out behind him to ruffle my damp head in a roundabout way.
Then he brought his hand forward again to wrap over my arms that was resting over his contoured abs, protected by a thin layer of t shirt.
I felt like crying.
From the pure comfort I felt being around him.
From the inexplainable bursting love I have for him.
From the guilt of being with anyone else, but him.
But all I can say was...
"I'm home, PPi. I'm home."

- End-