I had always appreciated the aesthetic of makeup. Of course I always thought that was me liking women. Probably why I was confused about my sexuality for so long.
A little bit after I came out to my friends, (not my parents, I was half certain they were homophobic,) I was in a store looking around. I'm not exactly sure what I was looking for but I ended up walking into the makeup isle.
My mind wandered as I stood there absently. At first I was thinking about some cool looks I had seen people do, then steadily I started thinking about James Charles, not sure why, and then I realized something.
I could wear the makeup myself.
So I quick grabbed the shade of concealer and foundation closest to my skin, a beauty blender, a couple shades of lipstick, a pack of brushes and an eyeshadow palette. I was definitely missing some stuff but I didn't care.
When I walked up to the register I couldn't help but feel anxious. What if someone recognized me buying makeup? Everything would go even more wrong.
But I managed to get out of there without disaster.
I got into my dad's car, which I was borrowing, and poured the stuff out onto my lap, staring at all of it like a precious gem.
I didn't know how to use any of it for shit.
So I pulled out my phone and looked up a tutorial. I didn't even think about what would happen when my parents saw.
I looked in the tiny mirror of the eyeshadow palette and smiled. I looked pretty. I felt good about myself.
Then it hit me.
If my parents saw me like this, or even found any of these things, I'd never be able to live it down. Hell, they might even kick me out.
After a solid minute of panicking I pulled out my phone and called Kairi. He would understand. He was the most supportive when I came out. He could support this. Right?
"Hello?" "Hi Kai— I impulsively bought makeup and I'm too scared to bring it to my house and I may have put it on and I don't know how to get it off and I'm too scared to go back into the store to buy makeup wipes." "... What?" "Can I hide my makeup at your house?" "... I mean sure." "Thanks I'll be over in 5."
I shoved the makeup into the bag and started the car. Absently I looked up at myself in the mirror.
I felt like... myself.
I had been having problems with that recently.
I drove to Kai's house with an absent smile, texting my dad and telling him where I was going while at a stop light. I couldn't stop looking at myself in the mirror. I felt pretty.
I came into Kai's house without knocking. His mom's car wasn't in the driveway, so I assumed he was home alone.
He was waiting for me on the couch, watching a show. He looked up when he heard the door open.
"Holy shit." "What?" "Nothing I just— didn't actually process that you were wearing it." "I literally told you-" "I know! I know! And it looks good dude don't worry."
He got up and led me upstairs to his room. "You can put it in the bottom drawer. I can return it tomorrow if you have the receipt—" "No! I like it!"
He raised an eyebrow. "Okay...? You'll only be able to do it at my house-" "I come over to your house all the time it's whatever." "You sure dude?" "Look— I just like it okay?" "I'm not judging just making sure. Here, my mom has makeup wipes in the bathroom." "Can I keep it on until I go home...?" "I mean— sure."
And that was the start of it. Ever since that day I amassed a collection of makeup and every so often, at least once a week, I would go to Kai's house and put it on. I fucking loved the way it looked and felt.
Of course nothing good lasts forever.
I had come back from the store, where I bought a couple new lipstick shades. I hadn't had time to stop by Kai's house, but I figured I could just hide them until I could, right?
I didn't bother checking the camera when I went to hide them.
That night my parents stormed into my room, and ordered me upstairs. Of course I obeyed, sitting on the couch nervously. I felt like I was suffocating.
My dad came back up holding one of my lipsticks tightly. "What in God's name is this!?" "Dad! That's um-" "This is lipstick Mattia! Why the hell were you buying and hiding lipstick?" "I-" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "No!" "Then why did you buy this!?" "It's for a friend-" "Bullshit!" He threw it at my face. "Get your faggot ass out of my house!"
I ran downstairs and grabbed a bag, shoving clothes and my remaining lipsticks into it, along with my cash, phone charger and of course my stuffed animals. All while listening to the lovey sound of my dad yelling.
I ran out the door as fast as I could, dialing Kai's number. It rung a few times before he picked up.
"Kai I need a place to stay." I said quickly, tears rolling down my face. "What? Why?" "My dad found my makeup and kicked me out." I half sobbed at the end. "Oh shit— I'll ask my mom. It'll be okay Mattia." "Thanks man. I'll be over in a bit." I hung up and ran my hands through my hair anxiously.
I just got kicked out of my house.
I got to Kai's house where I was immediately greeted with a big hug from his mom. I slumped into her arms, closing my eyes and pretending it was my own mother holding me again.
"It's okay Mattia." She said softly, rocking me slightly, "you can stay as long as you want." "Thank you." I whimpered, pulling away and wiping my eyes.
I walked upstairs and collapsed onto Kai's bed. In an instant he was fussing over me and playing with my hair, murmuring how it was all gonna be okay.
I sure hope he was right.
A/N II - part 2 hopefully soon (aka when I finish it lmao)
