fight for me

perfect someone

I looked up. I didn't want to talk, not right now. I just felt so done. Do you know when you're sad? like, really sad. and you can't fix it with music, or a long hug or just words of comfort. you know when you're sad and it's your own fault and you can't seem to take the blame so you put it out on the universe because fuck whoever decided that today, I was going to be sad and God, it hurts more than you could ever imagine. Yeah, that's what I'm feeling right now and I don't know what to think because, on one hand, I was sad, the other, I was mad. Was I mad that Zayn walked off on me like that? Or that he told me old memories can get fucked? Or that he threw my teddy bear away? I don't know, probably but I also knew that he only did those things because what I did to him was much worse.

now, I think I've got you wondering what I did to Zayn that was so bad. It was February 5th, 2017. I remember it so clearly and I wish I didn't. I was going over to Zayn's for a sleepover, Zayn was giddy back then, he really liked to just spend time together, and cuddle and laugh about stupid things. Sometimes he'd read me a book, but that day, that day, I was not myself. I was not the Niall Horan who walked around all happy and giggling at every single thing people said. I was not the Niall Horan that tilted his head back because he was laughing so hard or the Niall Horan that hugged you so tight, you let out a chuckle and told me how strong my grip was. No, I was the Niall Horan that got drunk and didn't know how to act even when I knew Zayn hated when I got too drunk. I was not the Niall Horan that Zayn fell in love with, I was only the Niall Horan that broke his heart. I got to Zayn's house and started lying about how I hadn't been drinking, he obviously didn't believe me, so he started to shyly give me a scold on how I shouldn't get drunk often. For some reason, this comment affected drunk Niall Horan and I began to yell at him, things I never meant. I began to yell that he was the worst thing in my life, thinking he could just prance into it and tell me how to live it. I yelled that I'd be better off without his "coward ass" and his little comments even though, the next day, I realized he was right. I threw a vase at him, but I missed his head which now I'm so thankful for. He looked so scared of me, and I was too drunk to even realise how scared I was of myself. I turned and walked out of his house, making sure to throw a rock through the door so he knew how drunk and stupid I was. Being drunk didn't classify my actions, hell, I don't even know what does.

Zayn never talked to me again, he blocked me on everything he had. Instagram, Snapchat, he deleted my number and every post he had of me and him. I did the same eventually, I think I did it so I wouldn't look lonely or desperate for his attention again. Truth is, I regretted every single word I said that day. I hope that's how Harry felt when he said he could hide his feelings just for his benefit, I hoped it wasn't true. Karma got its kiss for me and fuck, I didn't know how to fix it. I looked at Adonis.

"Adonis, I'm not a bad person," I took a deep breath and Adonis nodded, muttering "I know."

"I'm not a good one, either." I pointed to the door. "Zayn? He was mine, he was my guy, he was my sunshine, my happiness," I pointed down to the drink in my hand "This ruined it."

Adonis stayed quiet so I took this as a chance to leave, and I did. I walked down to Shawn's house and knocked on the door. Shawn opened it and invited me inside, while I recounted the night's events in full detail, also slipping in Harry again. Shawn looked at me. "you know, you deserve someone that cares about you." I looked at him.

"Harry cared and Zayn cared, I ruined it."

"No, someone that can look past that." He grabbed my hand and I realised what he meant.
"Shawn," I pulled my hand away. "I don't want to be with you."

Shawn didn't take that well, he stood up and crossed his arms. "And why not?! I fell for you hard, harder than those two dirtbags ever did!"

I scoffed and raised my voice, standing up as well. "I never asked you to!"
"Shit happens, Niall. And you know you feel something, otherwise, you would've been out the door by now and would never sleep on me or act like you live here." He was right, for the most part anyway. But I loved Harry way more. But Shawn, he was here. He was always here.

"I can give it a try." I looked up and Shawn seemed to change completely.
"Good." He grinned and bought me to the couch, "I have something for you." He pulled out a piece of paper and the only thing that was on it was Wednesday's date and CAPITOL RECORDS in big, bold letters. I looked at him, clearly confused.

"I think I got you a record label, I sent in a clip of you singing that song you wrote so now they want you to go in and sing live for them." He chuckled.

"Shawn, I wrote that song months ago. Even before I met Harry, how'd you find it?"

"You leave your laptop open a lot." He laughed, winking before he continued talking.
"Besides, thought it'd be a perfect time to give a perfect present to a perfect someone." Shawn smiled lovingly, poking my nose. Maybe I was in love. Maybe I was desperate, maybe I was hurt, maybe I was fascinated by what he had done. Either way, I seemed to love him in that moment.