Dyosa in Disguise

Chapter 91: The Letter

Chapter 91: The Letter

Mi Hija,

I am sitting inside a cold dark room, wondering how will I start this letter for you. Twenty long years had passed and there are a lot of things I want to tell you but I could not find the right words to say. I think there are no right words at all.

Should I begin by saying that I am sorry? Or by saying that I have always loved you despite of not being a part of your life?

Maybe I should ask for your forgiveness, first. My daughter, I am sorry for the things that I have done and for the things that I did not do. I am sorry because I was never a father to you.

I know that a little girl needs her daddy but I chose to leave. I abandoned you but believe me when I say that I regret it. I regret everything. I regret not being by your side.

I was never there when you celebrated your birthdays. I was not there when you took your first step. I was not there to pick you up when you stumble. I was not the one who taught you how to ride a bike or how to fly a kite. I should have been your superhero and you could have been a daddy's girl.

My life is full of what ifs and what could have beens and there is no one to blame but myself. I did not fight hard to save our family. When your mother gave up on me, I gave up on her , too. I went back to Spain and tried to live a life. I had a fine life, hija. I guess the memories of you helped me get through the days. Those precious time that we were together are still clear to me.

It seems like it was only yesterday when you were born to this world. I remember the sound of your whimpers and cries and it was only I who could make you stop. Your little hands held my fingers and you did not want to let go. I let you sleep in my arms and I prepared your milk. I also changed your diaper although I was not good at it.

When you first smiled at me, my heart swelled with happiness. You were little angel that could light up the whole room.Did you know that it was I who gave you the name Cielo? It means heaven. Because I was able to take a glimpse of heaven when I first laid my eyes on you.

I know that these things that I am saying now are irrelevant and maybe you are wondering why I wrote you this letter in the first place.

I want to take the chance to see you again.

I am aware that I don't deserve your affection and time. I perfectly understand that because I was the one who walked away. I would not even be surprised if you loathe me or treat me as someone insignificant.

But if God allows and you allow, I wish that I could see your face. I wish I could hold your hand before my time runs out.

However, if you don't wish to see me, it is okay. Just remember that I love you even if I was not able to show it to you.

I do love you, mi hija.

Sa palagay ko ay hindi mauubos ang mga luha sa aking mga mata kahit na umiyak ako ng umiyak. Kahit patuloy ako sa pagpunas ng pisngi ko ay hindi pa rin ito matuyo-tuyo. Ni hindi ko nga masigurado kung ano ang dahilan ng pag-iyak ko. Dahil ba sa sulat ng tatay ko? Dahil ba nagsisisi siya na iniwan niya ako? Dahil ba sinabi niyang mahal niya ako? O dahil ba sa kaalamang gusto niya akong makita bago siya mamatay?

Kanina ay nag-usap kami ni Joaquin Esquivel, the man who has the same eye color as mine.

Joaquin is my cousin. Anak siya ng nakatandang kapatid ng biological father ko.

Ang sabi niya ay talagang sinadya niya ako sa Pilipinas dahil wala silang nakuhang sagot sa sulat na ipinadala nila ilang buwan na ang nakalipas.

Sinabi ko sa kanya ang totoo na hindi ko binasa ang sulat at naging tipid na ngiti lang ang sagot niya. Then, he offered some information to me. Sinabi niya sa akin ang dahilan ng pagpunta niya sa akin.