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word count: 3,684
warnings: self-hatred, angst (somewhat)
description: "It wasn't until you started trying to be more 'yourself' that you realized what a great challenge that was going to be." J gives the reader a gift.
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It wasn't until you started trying to be more 'yourself' that you realized what a great challenge that was going to be. You couldn't remember a single moment in your life when you had been proud of yourself, genuinepride, gratitude within yourselftoyourself, or any semblance of self-satisfaction and love. You didn't know what that was supposed to feel like, nor did you ever expect to experience it for real. Loving yourself proved to be the greatest challenge of your young life and what you chose to do with that path would either help you overcome that obstacle or keep leading you down the same, bitter, boring road of self-deprecation. It was a road you knew well; the tried and true, worn path you'd traveled for years. You were hopeless, it seemed, hopeless to find it within yourself to loveyourself. You lacked in similarities between your personality and everyone else's. The only way you could find to describe it was: isolating.In your life you could recount many instances in which you were 'left out of the group'. You shared little to no similarities between you and your peers, coworkers, friends. It was a lonely road which you walked alone, dark and quiet and in the dead of night, but you knew it well. You knew it like you knew yourself: better than any other being.
You had tried your best to surround yourself with things that made you happy or put you in a good mood. You listened to your body's needs and expectations as its caretaker. Your lack of motivation stemmed from lack of care for yourself. You let yourself waste away because you didn't wish to tend to your needs. You neededgood food. You neededrest, as much as your body asked for, without forcing yourself out of bed before you're ready. You neededcare and even a little extra if you had it in you. Changing your mindset didn't happen overnight. It all came in bits and pieces. You tackled one aspect of yourself at a time, one little kink in the hose that needed to be unknotted. You began to feed yourself real meals. That was the turning point, you realized. You had energy and motivation that came flooding into you, bringing forth new life and a vigorous excitement in which you hadn't felt since you were a young child. Nourishment was the catalyst. You just needed that little push to put you back at the top where you could attend to the rest of your needs without falling out of step because you needed more rest or had no motivation or energy left to spare. All those times you felt like you were running on empty were in the past. You felt like an entirely new person and it was the most liberating feeling of your life.
J had noticed the work you were putting in and he was pleased. He didn't know how long you had been so hard on yourself, nor did he know that you had been intentionally skipping meals because of how rotten you felt after ingesting food that did not agree with you. He only did know that this would not be the end. Times when you had doubts about who you were as a person would come up again, like nasty weeds or mushrooms that seemingly spring up overnight, but he would be there to ease you through those times. He only wanted you to be you. J didn't care whether you were the most boring girl on the planet, as long as you were fiercelyand unapologeticallyyourself.
