𝗹𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗼𝘂𝘀 ✎ 𝙗𝙨𝙙✘𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙨

𝟬𝟬𝟳

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I thought it was impossible to feel grief over a living person. Despite that, here I am — mourning. I was mourning a living, yet for me, dead person. It wasn't their soul or body that was dead. It was their love for me. 

I did not expect to get attached because I never got to anyone. I did not let myself for fear of the pain that comes with getting abandoned. At first, it was just fun games. They were my best friend with whom I could flirt back and forth with no feelings attached. Then, they started cooking for me, remembering small details, and listening to me. They started taking my suicidal jokes seriously. Sometimes, they gently brushed their hand against mine, which would go unnoticeable if I was not immersed in them. 

I did not even realize what was happening to me until I was swept off my feet. I never got up. The love did not let me. It would explain why I always looked up to them as if they were my savior, my sanity. And they were. They did not make me want to live, but they made me not want to die. There was a thin line between them, but they pulled me towards the better one.

Soon enough, my biggest fear was losing them. Even though I was sure I would, there was a small part of me that hoped I would not. And that glimpse of hope, hope for a future with them, gave me the courage to accept their confession. The other part of me that knew the outcome was hopelessly trying to take over and stop me. I wish I had let it. 

Now, my fear came true. They got tired of me. I tried begging. I tried promising I would change. I tried apologizing for everything. I forgave them for the betrayal and lies, thinking it was okay because I drove them to do that. I did everything I could to fix things. But I could not do it alone. And they were too tired to try. They just stayed with me because they were afraid I would kill myself if they left. It was a relationship continuing thanks to pity. 

And, once the last drop of empathy and care disappeared, they left. The look in their eyes was unforgettable. It was a foreign sight to me, seeing them so dull. Maybe even filled with hatred.

It is not that I am alone without them, but I am lonely. I miss them. Even though I know they were awful to me at the end. I miss waking up and falling asleep with them. I miss their smile. I miss their voice. I miss their touch. 

They sought me from a deep pit, only to throw me into an even deeper one. I have been coping in any way I could. Self-harm, substances, rebounds, sleeping a lot. But, I dared not try suicide. If I died, how would I see them again? Coping methods did not help. In self-harm and substances, I was reminded of how much you were worried about me. Rebounds made me feel like I was cheating and only made me realize how big of a hole you left in my heart. A hole that no one can fill anymore. When I sleep, I dream of you. When will this end?

My feelings are stuck in my throat, suffocating me. My tears hurt my eyes. I am so lost without you, but I know it is better for me this way. If you did not leave, I never would have. No matter how badly you treated me, you were the first person that made me feel loved. 

I overloved you, and I am sorry about that. I hope you will find someone whose love will not be as suffocating as mine. And I hope I never find out. I hope that you will not come back. I know that I don't have the strength to reject you. My body and mind are craving you like some kind of drug; I can not let you go, no matter how bad you are for me.

Once again, I lost what I did not want to lose. The worst thing is that it was not in my control. 

I will take this as a warning to never love again. And, if I wanted to, I could not. You took it all, and I am okay with that. You will cherish it and use it better than I ever could. Love is not something I deserve nor something I know how to give. But, please keep all of it that I gave. 

Thank you for everything, my love. I love you, and even if you do not anymore, at least you loved me at one point. I promise I will never forget you, so I hope you will not forget me either.

Goodbye, my love.

angst bc i got dumped, and now i am dying. have my feelings portrayed in dazai.