Hollywood Nights//Jake Kiszka

Twenty Four

  The sun streaming through your window reminds you of a day not so long ago, when the same man was beside you, but everything was different. You almost feel like you've gone back in time as you watch Jake sleep next to you. God, if only that were possible.

   You tap on Jake's shoulder to wake him up. "I have to go," you whisper in his ear.

  "Where are you going?" He mutters as he wraps his arm around your waist.

   "I have shit to sort out," you reply as you move off the bed and away from his touch.

  "Can't you just stay a little longer?" He frowns.

  "Trust me, all I want to do is hide out with you," you smile weakly. "But you know I can't."

   "Good luck," He reaches out and gives your hand a squeeze. "Let me know how it goes."

  "Will do," you sigh. You wish you could be as relaxed as he seems to be right now. You resist the urge to lash out, because he's the reason you're in this mess in the first place. You've been trying to tell yourself that after you talk to your friends you and Jake will be free to be together and everything will be okay, but you know it won't be that simple. It's never that simple.

   You smile at Jake as you turn around and walk out the door. You lean up against the door and remember a time when you were doing the very same thing for a very different reason. It's only been a few months but you know you'll never go back to who you were before that night.

***
  You stand outside the hotel room door. You've been here for what feels like an hour when it's only been a few minutes. You're thinking about every outcome of the conversation you're about to have, but you can't think of a positive one. How do you tell your best friends in the entire world, the ones who carried you through hell, that you have to leave them? How do you react when you know they already want you to go?

   You finally gather the strength to raise your hand up to the door and knock. You hold your breath and pray that someone will answer. You exhale a little when the door swings open and Chris stands in front of you.

  "Can I come in?" You say, in a tone slightly above a whisper. He doesn't say anything, just motions towards the room while avoiding eye contact with you. You walk in as confidently as you can with the massive weight you feel on your chest. Cal and Becca are both sitting on the bed. Cal's eyes are red and tired, like he's been crying for hours, feeling all the emotions you never wanted him to feel, you never wanted to cause him to feel.

   You don't think you'd be welcome to sit on the bed with them, so you stand at the front of the room. You swallow hard and force yourself to look at your best friends. "I'm sorry," you force out, your voice cracking. "I-" you wipe a tear from your eyes. "I don't know what I can say to make you forgive me. I know I don't deserve it. I just don't want to lose what we have as a band. As friends." 

   "You should have thought about that before you went back to him," Cal says with an unnerving aggression to his voice you're not used to. "How could you, Y/N? After everything he did to you? How was he a better option than me?" He's standing up now, and he's moved closer to you so you can see the tear tracks on his face.

  Your eyes sting and your breathing is shallow as you try to answer him. "I don't know how, I don't know why I'm like this! I never wanted to hurt you," you reach out to touch him but he turns away from you.

  "I think you should go," he whispers. You see Chris and Becca nodding in agreement. You know they mean more than just leaving the hotel room. You know you've fucked up the thing you've worked towards for most of your life. The only thing you've ever wanted.