The big book of rants for not-so-average black girls

Pandemic & Life Update

Hey dimes❤️

Trigger warning!!!! Coronavirus,self harm,depression

As y'all know,the Coronavirus has fucked up pretty much everything😭. Personally,it hasn't stopped much for me except a few birthday parties,school,and some summer stuff (as y'all can see I don't plan a lot of stuff💀. Not at all a busy person)

Anyway,this pandemic has given me a lot of time to think & get more into myself. Before the pandemic & lockdown I didn't have time for myself. Although I've been dealing with depression that seemed like it's neverending & I know it's cause i don't have anywhere to run to.

I've been sick about 3 times since the year started,one of those times was the absolute WORST ! It was so bad I couldn't even move,nose was stuffed,throat hurt sooo much couldn't taste,or smell for a while but I got better eventually. The other two times were a lil bit weaker but still sat me down for weekssss😭.

One of my uncles had the coronavirus and recovered,but we didn't find out about him having it until he was halfway better. Kids in my school got it,a few girls I talked to on Facebook had it,it was crazy to think that all of these people that I was in association with had the virus,and here I was,getting sick back to back.

I started my spiritual journey & I'm learning astrology. As bad as everything is going,I'm tapping into myself,I'm getting to know myself,I'm doing shit I've always wanted to do cause I finally have time!

As of right now,I'm focusing on shadow work & healing myself. As rough as it is,I know that's it's necessary for me.

I asked my shadow to reveal herself to me because I'm ready to heal,next thing I know I ended up self harming because SO MANY things were going wrong,and I allowed myself to feel it. I allowed myself to be hurt,I let myself spiral & even though it hurt it was a part of me that I have to LEARN to love.

I was doing it a lot. I was going through so much and I didn't have any control over my situation—I found a way to get control. It felt good to know that for once I was the one in control of MY OWN PAIN! It felt good to know that no one else could hurt me but myself for a while.

The truth is,I always wanted to self harm- anytime I was overwhelmed I knew I needed a release but I couldn't bring myself to do it- I was sure it would hurt extremely bad. Once I did it and realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was (still hurt like a bitch tho) I got addicted to feeling it,I got addicted to control. Ultimately I wanted to make my outside look like my inside.

But the guilt was a mothafucka.

Even in the midst of my own hurting I was thinking about the people around me, I knew how much it would hurt them if I wasn't here anymore and for weeks,I struggled between whether or not I really wanted to die.

I knew I wanted to stop hurting,but I knew other people would feel responsible and get blamed for it and who wants to live their life with everybody blaming them for somebodies suicide??? I didn't want anybody to have to feel that

For a while,I stopped everything I was doing. I stopped meditating I stopped lighting my candles i stopped talking to my altar and giving offerings,my life just STOPPED! I didn't see a way out,and I still sort of don't,but I know I can't keep doing this to myself.

When my mom found out she was devastated,and it hurt me even more to see her hurt for me.

One thing I'm learning is it's okay not to be okay. I spent my whole life suppressing my emotions and not allowing myself to feel that when I got triggered that one last time,it all came down on me at once.

Now I'm trying to manage my reactions and work on it. I still get hella triggered but I don't let myself cut..like I said it's only been a week,but I believe in myself I'm trying my hardest .

How're y'all doing so far? Let's catch up!!!

And if you're wondering,I'm working on updates for all my books so I'll be able to give y'all a lil something soon ❤️.

💗.