Rebecca Downhill (Becca) has known nothing in her life but a strict father who is involved in businesses with the Italian mafia in NY, an absent mother who has taught her to be obedient and fulfill her duties towards the family, and a twelve years o...
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There have already been six months since I'm living in Italy, with Enzo.
We've had some ups and downs but overall, we live well together.
We've traveled around Italy for a few good months and spent time together more than I've ever expected.
From time to time Enzo would sink into work for a few hours, mostly making calls, one after another, or typing on his laptop totally isolated from the world around him.
He would get tense at times. I could feel that every time he came to me and cuddled to my chest, with his nose buried in the crock of my neck and I knew that the best thing to do was just to hold him and let him feel me close.
He's always quiet about his work. Never shares anything with me but I'm used to it. Lucas is the same.
The work that men in my life do is not something to share nor something I want to know about. But I can't help wondering what is turning him so much into a ball of nerves and sorrow when he doesn't even have his Don role officially yet. He keeps saying there's still time for it, but I know he's just procrastinating.
He never wanted it and I felt guilty. He had to accept it because of me, and I wished I was worth it. In truth, he never made me feel otherwise.
We're back in Naples for one month now. His work has become more urgent and heavier since we got back.
All the spare time he has, and he is home, he's offering it to me, as if trying to pay me back for the time he's away.
He knows I'm all alone in the house, rarely with Feli but I don't mind.
What feels uncomfortable though is the fact that I'm not allowed to leave the house unless it's with Enzo or his guards.
He keeps telling me something about not being safe and that they have to postpone the announcement of his coming back.
I didn't give much thought to it after a while. I don't care about going out. Where would I go?
I like being alone, it allows me time for myself, time for things I miss, time for sleeping, faint for days as I still use my sleeping pills, and time to wonder until it hurts if Lucas has made it through. If he's still alive.
I could easily find out by calling his parents but what would I say? 'Hey, it's me, the woman that brought your son to his death. Excuse me, is he still alive?'
I hoped he would search for me. I was so sure he would, just as much as I was sure of my next breath. But having no sign of him made me fear the worst.
And today is one of those days, the day when I linger in bed, drained of tears, gulping pills and booze until I feel high and numb of all feelings.
Enzo has been out of Naples for the past three days and he hasn't called since then. We fought before he left.
I kept asking for my divorce papers for the millionth time and each time he would say he doesn't have them. The lawyers didn't get them back.
