The Diary of a Schizophrenic

Creeps

Often times, usually at night, I would see those very same shadow people watch me or follow me wherever I went. It even got to the point where I wouldn't look out of windows or walk around the house unless it was daytime or necessary. I refused to take the trash out sometimes because of the creatures in the back yard.

When most kids say there is a monster under the bed they're usually just a bit frightened of being alone, but for me there were monsters under the bed, in the closet, behind the dresser and even staring at me while I slept. They never went away. Mine were very real. I even remember a couple of times when there was a woman watching me sleep every night and I went to ask my mom why she kept watching me, only to find out that she hadn't been. 

This only scared me half to death the next few times I saw the woman, and sometimes I even saw aliens and other creatures that I found out years later were creatures from lore and mythos from other cultures from over the centuries. I've even seen that creepy Norse god with the moose body and human torso thing on top. Creepiest crap I have EVER seen. And it was while I was driving at night too, which was a fun time.

Sometimes I wonder if being a person with schizophrenia is just being able to see into other planes and dimensions. It's not like I want to, it just happens at me. I sometimes compare it to having your own train of thought and then having all the worlds voices talking at once crammed into one really dense space with no echoing, only dense noise. Now overlap that with a bunch of translucent beings waltzing around in front of you at all times and ad a few blob things here and there while you're at it. As you can imagine, it's a lot to deal with and for some it may not be believable, but my diagnosis serves to prove my honesty.

Whenever I go out for walks or drives I often find myself looking around trying to find a voice, or the cat that just darted across my path, or even at the blobs of light that are similar to dappled light but floating in the air. Sometimes it can be nice, like adding an artistic touch to my daily life, but other times it is a waking nightmare that doesn't seem to end.

On the good days I might see a flock of birds that aren't there or a large quantity of butterflies. It can be incredibly magical at times. One of my favorite things that happens is when I see clouds that look like animals and they start dancing or turn into other silly sights like a pony riding a whale. I like to think that it is my inner child coming out.

From my perspective, now that I am on medication, people tend to get too wrapped up in their daily lives to realize how blessed our lives truly are. Our lives, in the country people seem to be so ashamed of, are actually quite lovely. We can live life feeling safety while we sleep because of the locks on our doors and windows, we don't have to hide our lives from others because of the freedom given to us. Of course there are exceptions to that, there is much room for improvement, but there is a large difference between our lives here and those lives that are in less fortunate areas of the globe. I am thankful that I have this freedom, although some people are a part of the exception.

I find myself very appreciative now that my mind is quiet. I have the ability to choose my thoughts where as I couldn't do that before. I was unable to think on my own, and it took great focus to find a single train of thought. My mind was as busy as a train station during rush hour,  with very loud dense speaking. Now it is a yoga studio, quiet and meditative, as it should be.